poetry. thoughts and more than make-believe.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

With wheels

Well, I am the proud owner of a new car...at least new to me.
It was one of those moments, outside of the fact of my last post, that I just "knew" this car was for me.
The woman was the 2nd owner--took great care of it and drove/drives great! 
So--there you go...I'm finally with wheels again, but did it all by myself--for the first time ever.

I just have never cared about buying a car.  I never saved up for a car, unlike my brother who started saving at 14.  I saved up for bikes--but wheels...hmmm. Crazy.
I always wanted my license, but just never had the desire to actually go that next step.
I suppose I was stuck at that place, because my family has always been very willing to share their time
and vehicles with me too.  And every time I would talk about buying a car, they'd be like:
Oh just drive this until....

And so I did.

But, I feel good about this.
About this next step into adulthood--even if I'm 20 years late.  I know my family was only trying to take care of me and helping me monitarily, but at a certain point--you just gotta suck it up and know what you need/want and do it.

So--there I am.
Here I am
So Ham.
Om.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Crossing my fingers

This morning I am supposed to go look at a car.  Well, a Honda Pilot.
It's 2004--so old enough with plenty of miles, I can pretty much afford it.
Honestly, at this point--as long as it runs--I feel open to buying it today.
On the spot.
I've realized, through all my wanting of not needing a car--in all reality, I do.

I don't need it in the way someone who commutes everyday,
but in the way of getting my girls easily somewhere and not telling everyone
my whereabouts.
That's been the most annoying thing at this point--I'm not hiding where I'm going,
but I feel 16--asking for someone to take me to point A and not knowing
if I'll get to point B.
Ug.

So--hopefully--it all goes well.
Om. xoxo

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

scrapyard man

i fell in love with
the scrapyard man
running around
walking on my hands

i bellowed your song
from the souls of my shoes
letting go of
housewife blues

i fell in love with
the scrapyard man
choosing to believe
in alternate views

with your hand around
my waist
and a bow in my hair
i stared at the ice cream
attempting to share
what not to say
to a woman who wears
the ring
of another

with your front to my back
and silent words in my ears
i fell in love with
the scapyard man
who's brought me to tears

sharing a dance
jumping to run
your shotgun love
brought me back home.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

achey abundance

walking home in an achey coat
i thought about the hair
left in the bathroom sink
early in the AM


placing in abundance
gratitude
placing out annoying
blahness


glad to have hair
kids with hair
brushes to brush our hair
healthy coloring hair


wondering on an achey couch
how life looks
if we turn it outside in
inside
out

Monday, December 12, 2011

Days of my life

So I'm home sick today.
It's really to bad that sick days are wasted on being sick, because
I'd much rather be running around in the cold sunshine and making
jewelry with a yoga break.
But--instead, I'm listening to a lot of bad TV during my rest.

Bad TV.
Well--I don't know if it's bad, but not my typical.
I spent the morning watching comedies and then found myself turning to
Days of Our Lives at 1pm.


Probably like many my age, I grew up watching soap operas with my mom.
I have memories linked to Days...Bo & Hopes wedding song, watching
Roman return when I was at WSU, plus many more that mean nothing in my 
actual life.
So today, as I'm laying on the couch trying to make myself fall asleep--I turned on Days--realizing that these SAME people, voices--are easy to listen to.  I know the story.
They live. They die. They come back with more drama.  It's a simplicity defined.


And then...I fell asleep.
With a needed rest, I woke up realizing it was ok to cancel yoga class tonight.
Sick is sick and I don't need to pass this on.  I'm not dying sick, just enough
that I know I'm blah and I want to try not to get sick because Santa
comes to the library this week to entertain 100 kids.


Ciao.

Friday, December 02, 2011

What does peace look like?

Stringing peace cranes
648 counting
behind my desk

he asked what i was doing

without chance i explained
the story

in remembrance of 9/11

offering hope
love
in place of misguided anger

without chance he explained
the story
of his migrant life
here

working the turkey kill room
because his brother was murdered a month ago
and now he's in customer service
with hope
love

moving forward

looking like peace

Friday, November 25, 2011

It seemed this year more people were cheerier about thanksgiving.
Maybe more people were ready for a break from work.
Maybe more people are ready to be done of this year, move onto the holidays and
start all over next year.

Or maybe it's just me.  I just genuinely felt that when I wished someone Happy Thanksgiving, they
happily said it back.
Unlike wishing someone Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas.
Those words often remind people of what isn't done in their household, before the final blow.
At least in my opinion.

This year, I've decided I'm not going to worry as much about what I get my girls.
We started by doing a little Black Friday shopping.
I hadn't planned on it.
Honestly, I despise shopping--alot of WANT for not much NEED.
But, my Austin, Tx cousins were in town and they always try to do something special for my girls.
The special this year: Black Friday shopping at 6am.
We opted out of the midnight shopping.
We like to sleep too much and I think it's personally wrong to not give employees an entire day off.

So--off we went to Department stores before the sun was up.
I bought things the girls picked up and put down, so they honestly don't know what I bought for them.
Plus, we did some online shopping too.  I still have plenty to do--oh with two dec. birthdays coming up...
but I do feel thankful for my girls wanting me to go shopping with them...
and enjoying family time together.

Then tonight--gonna meet up for a drink because one of my best friends in town.  She lives in Canada most
of the time these days...so always great to spend time with her. xoxo

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Today I thought about timing and relationships.
As much as I think we may be attracted to someone or something,
the timing needs to work for the situation.
If the timings off, then generally--the relationship/situation will fail.

I have spent most of my life in my hometown.
I've attempted through the years to somehow escape this fate,
but the timing has never worked and thankfully, most days,
here I am.

I don't have regrets over any men I dated or even had bad relationships with,
but I do have a certain laizzez-faire sadness over a few--the few that
the timing just wasn't right.  Maybe everything else in the situation was
pretty right, but the timing itself challenged the reality.

What's thought provoking to me though is the similiarities in varying situations.
It gives me hope and wonder in those ideas.
In the big picture.
That eventually the puzzle will fit.
And I will stop trying so hard.
To simply,
be.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Catching up

Wow. Not that life's been that exciting, but I hardly know where to start since I've been on a slight time off with my blogging. 

I suppose it's easiest to start with the present: I'm officially car shopping.
Some people might find that exciting and I'm really really trying, but honestly all it does
is make me cringe and feel heavy footed.

Since my dissolution, I have basically been without a vehicle.  I have a Eurovan creating a lovely
rusty garden behind my garage, but it's been sitting for almost 2 years. I'd love to have it fixed,
but magical VW mechanics aren't anywhere to be found right now.  I have faith in it--but I'm not
putting it out there as much as I should.

So- that leaves me with the now.  My parents let me borrow their van a few years ago.
Yes, years. After my van died.  For a long time, I'd borrow--and return.  It got to the point my
mom just told me, if I need it --I'll let you know.  Still, I didn't drive alot--but with the girls
busy schedule, I drive more than I ever have.

Then a few weeks ago I mentioned to my dad about some lights coming on and the transmission
acting odd.  He took it in and SHABAM--the end of the van, but my lucky mom got herself a cute
new Jeep. 

And then there's me.
At first I felt truly down.
I remembered my own van not being maintained even with asking and pleading.
I felt what can only be resentment, that I must 'conform' somehow to own a car.
Own.
A.
Car.

I never have.

So--I'm trying to be happy.
And not too picky.
For someone who's never owned a car you'd think I'd be easy-peasy, but no--I've got some standards in
my mind that may or may not serve me.

So much more--but it may have to wait till tomorrow.
OM xo

"What is Spiritual Practice?" POWERFUL and THOUGHT-PROVOKING

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Funny enough with three beautiful daughters, boys have just lived in this nether world--offering a respit from relationships.
My oldest hasn't had a bf, but has had crushes here and there.
My youngest--much like my oldest, is less impressed by boys--at least for now.
My middle though--well, she--like myself--has always openly loved boys.
She takes a certain amount of it serious, not 'dating' someone because she didn't know them, but certainly seeing the beauty in their existance.  She's a natural flirt--something I admire and have fear about...

So--when she came home last week from a dance put on by a local church--and hardly god-like, announcing she is dating Boy--I kinda cringed.
No, I did cringe.
Not because of him, because she seemed confident.
She knows this boy.  He's been a kinda-friend for awhile.  More boyfriend like than I expected.  Then--it became official on facebook.  And to take it one step further he asked her over to watch a movie friday night.
I told her I'd have to think about it.

I did.  And the answer was--if they're still dating in a few weeks or month (which I'd have to say for 8th grade is almost impossible) and I meet him, then maybe she can if there are friends there.
I told her I didn't want a make out session.
She quickly informed me she hadn't even had her first kiss.
I told her first kisses turn into making out.
She didn't see the seriousness in it.
Ha.
Really?
I was kissing when I was in 8th grade.
Awkwardly I'm sure--but it did happen, though my mom probably didn't know.
And at a certain point, I won't know things.  But right now, they share.
I'm glad they do.

Sigh.

And really--I love kissing--just like most of us do--and I want them to enjoy it too--but closer to the age of 20. Ha.
Not really...but kinda.
Om. xoxo

Saturday, October 15, 2011

friday night peace

Some may not think a Friday night at home alone sounds appealling, but last night I found it to be perfect.
I spent the day off work, home with my girls.
I was exhausted after running around trying to find the perfect purple paint for my two daughters who share a bedroom.  One would like a color, the other, of course, would not.  This has ended up more than once with us leaving stores without any paint at all. Finally yesterday--they agreed and paint was purchased.

My oldest daughter went to the movies with friends to see Footlosse and had a cross country picture taken in the middle of a corn field.
No joke.
They do these team posters of kids in various places around town to represent their sport.  I guess cross country kids run anywhere--fields included.

So, by the time everyone went to their respected places last night--BD asked if I wanted to go the away football game.  Sounded torterous, but for him, I would.  Then my friend asked if I wanted to get coffee--sounded better, but let her know I was going to the game.  After alittle pouting on her end, she finally gave up--but when I told BD she asked, he was like--why don't you go? You'll have fun with her.
True.
So--he left, but my friend didn't get back with me--so I was alone.

Sweetly alone with my yoga mat and streaming into Yogis Anonymous.
Ahhh...such peace.
Such pleasure.
Such hot, sweaty mind work.

I am almostly aways challenged when I do their yoga.
I love it.
I personally don't challenge myself enough on my mat.
I need someone to take me to the that next place in my practice and I often find it there.

So--by the time BD had gotten home, I had a lovely asana, taken a hot shower and got my Pj's on to begin a movie through hulu.

I slept so soundly.
So well...waking up to think about my middle daughter letting me know last night she's 'going out' with a new boy.
Ah--love.
At least for the day.
xoxo

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Thankfulness in motion

Thankfulness through motion.

So...my puppy is "getting fixed" today.
We got her from the pound a few months ago, being about 4 months now.
In a time where animal abuse and neglect seem to be in the news weekly, I half expected to have some kind of background check, house inspection to acquire this love.
Nope.
It was almost alittle too easy, but on the other end, I am glad there is some trust there in the big, bad world.
The only 'glitch' to the process (which is not a glitch at all, but i can't think of the right word) is that
until you get your animal neutered, the animal shelter still considers the animal their property.
Fair enough.
I neuter all my animals anyhow.
To make it even more appetising to those who may not think birth control in animals is important, they give you a $30 off coupon to take to various Dr's or shelters.  My vet was already on there, so I felt even more lucky.

So, knowing today is rolling around I look for my coupon.
And look.
And look some more.
I put it somewhere "safe" so I wouldn't lose it.
Hah.
You would think as soon as that thought would pop in my mind, I'd stop whatever I was doing and say "NO! Don't do it!!" but did I?
Of course not.
So I spent a few days looking.
I even let it go, knowing my cheap ass would just eat the $30.

Then, for whatever reason, I looked in my "dog bag" this morning--and what was there??
You know.
The coupon.


So after doing the motion of 'father, son, holy spirit'--I thought, I'm not even catholic and I always do this motion. Its soothing.
Maybe liking saying 'namaste' at the end of yoga class.
Thankfulness in motion.

Saturday, October 08, 2011

Occupy my dreams



This morning I woke up from NYC.
So many times when there are large issues, disasters, very human problems "out there" in the universe, my dreams link into this larger whole and I'm
swept there for a moment.  Sometimes this leads into other dreams, like this morning, other times--I am only 'there' and then back home again.

This morning I was very much in the streets with people,
watching them line up and link arms in front of a building --I think.
I look up to see a judge explaining something to them.  There was a content, busy energy around them.

The next thing I know a police officer tells me that he is questioning
my age by the way I looked at the judge.  I must've had a look of disgust in my eyes.  I wondered how the judge could see me and how that was wrong.

Then--the dream switches.

Suddenly I realize my parents and girls are with me and we need to get out of this space.  We are not safe, so I lead them into a building.  Once we're in, I realize we're no safer--what I might picture true urban housing projects to be.  I've been in spaces like this before in my dreams.  I've lived that life somewhere.  It sucks.  As we're going down the stairs I tell my dad to make sure that my middle daughter isn't left behind...put her in the middle of the group.  She's tired and doesn't want to walk anymore.

We get to the bottom stairwell. It's so dark and dirty with people in the halls. An african american woman asks me if I can tell "them" what "we" want...and I replied, "What?  Just to be nice to each other..."

And woke up.

Friday, October 07, 2011

Last night I was pretty broken.  I can't quite figure out what's going on, other than pure exhaustion.
It's like I'm on this busy track that I can't find the detour off of yet.
I've realized, this may be how busy I am forever.
I don't even have time to drink a half a beer.
Serious. And probably kinda gross to beer lovers.
I usually split a beer between days.
I started one last Sunday..I think I took 2 sips and put it back in the fridge. And there it sits, until I pour it down the sink.
I realized this morning, I don't even have time to sit and enjoy a drink.
I'm not someone who likes to drink anything before bed...it keeps me mentally charged and I have to go to the bathroom about a jillion times.
No joy in that.

This morning, I feel rested.
I slept ok enough to get me through the day.
It'll be busy, going to two elementarys for booktalks. 
There is pure yoga in that part of my job.

And then it's homecoming weekend.
My oldest is going with her friends--hopefully she has a good time.:)
Om xo

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

I began slow

creaking morning body on the mat



listening to green tara

protector

remover of lions and greed


in balasana

arms overhead

fingers interlaced

onto my back for biking the agni path


rolling my spine

so divine

warming for the sunny salutes

 
head back

fingers interlaced
heart reaching towards the sun


Warrior 1: What is story? What is your stance on Issues 1, 2, 3?






Lunge into peacefulness

dropping your sacrum

bending your knee to twist

your heart to the other side of the world

to the twisty parvokonasana

unwind


bind and travel again


Child

your hero
called your camel to finish
your heart
resting your legs up the wall

to begin the day

Friday, September 30, 2011

A few weeks ago I received an email from a man asking about private yoga for him and his family.
He wanted for them to all take a yoga class together, begin this journey, on a weekly basis.
I mentioned the hardest part about this would be coordinating everyones schedule.

That ended up being semi-true.

Between my schedule and his family, the only way we could come to a middle place, was to create
a new class for him.  Through some planning on my end, we were able to get space at one of the locations I teach.
I was very apprehensive about all of this...even this morning, after an AWESOME first class last night.  He did attend with his wife, sons and girlfriend--plus more students who obviously find the words "beginner yoga" to be much more inviting, than simply "yoga."  I do think it went well.  It's a challenge for me because I haven't taught a true beginners class in a long time --so that is very good:) 

But the apprehension...what is that?  Where is it coming from?  I sense it is fear based.
Fear of success?
Fear or change?
Since completing my YTT last year, I realized I would like to work less hours at the library and spend more time teaching...hence all of I've opened myself to.  But as I'm getting closer to the reality of that, I find a bigger fear setting in.
Mostly--could I actually do it?  I've been a single mom for a few years now and though I may complain about the hours
at work, I've been there for a long time...and would not leave...but to reduce my hours most likely means never to return to full time status there. 
Ever.
No insurance.
Dental.
Nothing.

And then that leads me to thinking, do I simply work for the anticipation of getting sick?
I generally don't get sick, but I'm a realist and know it's a fact of life.
Sometimes an antibiotic is more than helpful.
But do I make myself miserable for that?

And what would keep me at full time status, if all things were possible?
To be home by 3 or 4 everyday for my girls.
For the sunshine.

And now...as I desire less and the universe seems to unfold--I find myself in fear.

I supposed it's a good thing I recognize what I am sensing..and just continue to let go,
unfold
grow.



Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Morning dreams



it was a quick morning dream, i'm sure
as i layed in bed
next to the-end-of-my-affair-love

walking uphill
to wandering guitar-loving-folk-festival-folks
i noticed skyward

birds swooping
people watching
lady shoulderstandingme

as the overgrown owl
cascaded below to the crowd
opening his wings
with a strong hawk on the left side
and a rainbow colored parrot on the right

with power
we knelt
we prayed
to the earth
crying lovable tears

oneness

as we stood
and they swirled
to find another flight

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Breaking up an afternoon fight

I was downstairs, sitting quietly, reading the best teen book I've read for abit (Delirium) when a few of the after school kids came down to play on the computers and draw.  Almost everyday there's a group of 5-10 kids who decided last year that this was going to be their hangout.  Fine.  After 19 years, I've seen kids come and go, some needing us more than others...this is one of those groups.  The thing about this group--they're loud.  Obnoxious. Language.  It's been a test of wills.  I usually have to be more of a mom, than a friend--which I find comfort in that I can do that readily.

Today one of the boys asked if another boy had been in...
Nope.
Boy 1 was glad boy 2 had not been in, he said boy 2 was being a jerk.
They're middle school, so they're always mad at each other--but the next day they may love each other.

Fast forward an hour later and I'm walking out a back entry way, able to see down the hall where the kids congregate around the computers.

Boy 2 is being tough to boy 1 on the computer.
Boy 1 doesn't want to fight.
I said to the woman next to me, "I don't think this is good. Boy 2 wants to fight."
As if it's slow motion,  boy 2 pokes boy 1, trying to start a fight.  Boy 1 tries to ignore him.

One of my co-workers was out there, but I didn't see her from my view.
Within seconds boy 2 lunges at boy 1, lifted him from his seat, trying to do a throw down.

I heard the woman next to me say, "Call the police."
I am a woman/mom on a mission. 

By the time I got to the doorway, boy 2 has managed to start thumping boy 1, with all the friends trying to stop boy 2 and kinda cheering the FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT energy in the area.

I had a fleeting thought of, I could accidently get hit, but that didn't stop me from slamming open the door, with my most bellowing mom voice "GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW"...right into boy 2's eyes.

He respects me generally.
I don't think he knew I was there.
I wonder if I had been on desk if it would've even transpired?
He flew up the steps.
I checked in with boy 2.

He was fine--just shaken up.  He's not a fighter--he told me he was there to defend the girl that boy 2 was supposedly going to start a fight with.
What?

Sigh.
The police show up and take the boys stories. 

I am shaken up.
I am not surprised at their fighting, but fighting rocks me to the core.
Though I'm mostly zen, I am a fighter.
Maybe that's why.
Maybe I'm upset because during my mom-yelling, I have the fight in me...I feel it deep inside and it scares me.
I realized through this, I suppress this fire. Agni. I don't need to fight and I don't want to see people fight.
It usually makes me cry.
And these kids--the ones that have had a hard short life--are most likely going to have a hard longer life if someone doesn't care.
I know I can't save the world.
Or the kids of the world.
I just want to know their cared for...

Om.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Listening to this link this morning about patience and vibration ...I have heard of  'Abraham Hicks' through other people, but haven't followed up on any reading or listening.

What I hear from this is the same message I find through Swami Satchinananda and other people, other beliefs --possibly through the Bhagavad gita and other mediums.  I am reminded of being a vibrational being, law of attraction, improved situations, etc...I suppose I appreciate the message and do ultimately believe something similar.  Maybe the same.  I'm not sure.

Is it vibration?  Expectation?  Pre-destination? Muddy life?  Just finding the simply joy and acceptance in what comes, but ultimately leading back to the beginning?  Really..do I not have other things to contemplate this morning? Ha.  Going to go practice alittle burlesque-y dancing before work this morning for a weekend of being a sexy zombie dancing to Michael Bubles, I Feel Good

Monday, September 19, 2011

Practice remembering

Balance.
We hear it all the time, or at least I do--maybe it's me talking to myself...
Balance.
Right.
Left.
Namaste,
honoring the divine
joining together
right palm
left palm
meeting in the center


Breathing
right nostril
left nostril
ida
pingala
centering sushumna


Back to balance..
My practice this morning was limited because I woke up with a stiff neck, feeling
the tightness down the right side of my spine.
Sucks.
So slowly I trodded onto my mat, understanding that when I feel this tightness that
stretching is that fine line between helping and hurting--so I listened closely to what I could handle.  
What I found was a playful balance between my right and left side...I didn't want to take it all that serious.
I have a semi-sick child home for goodness sake! So...I did what I could and knew I could take what I discovered to teaching tonight--at least on some level.


Then--through this homeness, I decided to make beads.  I haven't had my glass out in probably almost 3 crazy years.
I was almost afraid I would forget some vital step between lighting my torch and rotating glass, but YIPPEEEE...it is truly like riding a bike, you don't forget.
It just takes practice at remembering.


Practice at remembering.
Remembering that life is not just this or that, neti-neti, but a balance between 
inside
outside
upside down.


Practice at remembering.
Remembering at my kitchen table what it feels like to be home.
To remember how I liked being home.
Being married.
Being a wife.


Practice at remembering.
Balance.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Saturday
Saturns Day

Yesterday was so peaceful...being off work and doing whatever I wanted.  I met with a few friends at different points of the day, coffee--a walk and then in the evening a drink.  Joy !!  It was easy, simple--though I found I had to make myself clean--which is consisently true for me.  It's kinda like being a kid that has to clean their room before they can go play--or at least that was the case for me, still holding true as an adult.

It's hard to believe almost everyday was like that a few years, I wonder why I didn't enjoy it more--because it's
honestly pretty great.
I'll be wonderful at being retired.
But, since I'm not retired yet, I'll have to go to work today...

Friday, September 16, 2011

Trusting inward

It's been a seemingly long week.
I've been internally emotional or maybe outward too, as I tear up when a co-worker gives me a peace crane as a momento of my peace crane project at work right now.  (got a minute?  I'm trying to collect 1000 cranes by thanksgiving...anyhow....)

It started with a driving dream.
I was in the back seat of a pick up truck with two women up front.
I didn't know them and they were laughing at the hills we were driving through.
The one woman told me to take the wheel, being in the back I didn't think I could take control...which left us swooshing through the country roads.
I consciously in the dream thought, "Let go..."

My entire life when I am in the midst of analyzing or worrying, car dreams avail.
Their messages are simplicity defined.

So, I am sure I should let go of my mind right now. I'm in an overly analytical time..maybe it's the fall..shutting down the summer heat and beginning to go inward.

It is the most natural inclination.  Turning inward with the seasons.  Letting go of sunshine and outdoor play, to an inner-ness.  For me, it is taking care of my home, my dreams, taking stock of where I am and paying attention to the hills ahead.  To the swooshing road.
I waiver between trying to respect my emotions and knowing the cut off point too.
Because really--it's all good.

I just need to remind myself to trust.
Adhimukti.
Having confidence. Trust. Intuition.
Om.

Friday, September 09, 2011

Free. To. Be. without a breathalyzer.

Maybe I've read too much dystopian young adult fiction, but the turn of all-things-education has me slightly freaked out.

Last night my oldest told me that the school is going to make all the kids take a breathalyzer before entering the Homecoming dance...
"What?"
She repeats.
"UHHHHHHHHH..." I'm speechless.  I'm very aware that the kids are underage, so yes--they should not be drinking.  It's generally not a problem, so I hear.  I know that the school is "scaring" them.  First, "Dirty dancing" permission slips...now this.
Still speechless.
"Well, if you want to go then I guess..." Speechless.
Do the kids not have rights?
Or really are they going to grow up feeling policed?
Guilty before proven innocent.
Words and thoughts just kept crossing my mind.
Drinking after the dance.
Kids will.
Still no words.

And today, as I read "Delirium" by Lauren Oliver for booktalks, I see that this dystopian future is so much of the present.  Not like the days I grew up.  Not that it was better..just different.  More relaxed.  Free.  To.  Be.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

ahimsa

Teaching yoga has been a wonderful journey I've started on, but finding the irony in personal expectations never ceases to surprise me.

I hadn't taught in a week, which anything else I don't do for a week, seems like a vacation...but not teaching. It's different.  I feel more purposeful in my language, my words, in my poses when I return to students.  It's less about having an agenda or some fancy schmancy flow planned, than reading my students and seeing what they're ready for next.  And part of that reading brings me into doubting my intuition, which leaves feeling unprepared--even though if I'd really trust myself--I completely am for the moment.  So..anyhow, as soon as we were done this morning, my 2 students (did I mention it's at 7:15 and that seems to be too early for most folks) were all gooshy on how great it was.




Really?  I wanted to ask, but could tell they were very sincere.  I hadn't come to class with an idea of what I wanted to convey, other than using the word 'ahimsa' at some point.  Ahimsa is sanskrit for non-violence or non-harm.  It always pops in my head when I'm in childs pose. Surrender. Compassion. Being nice to yourself.  Not harming yourself or others.

A good beginning to the weekend..Om

Monday, September 05, 2011

Electricity




I've spent the last 36 hours without electricity due to a 'microburst' storm as the fancy-pants weather people are calling it these days.  I suppose the time of calling it a 'mini-tornado' is over...a 'microburst'...whatever you call it, disrupted life in this small town over the weekend.  Some folks are still without power and thankfully mine, returned about 1pm.  


I always spend the first 12 hours enjoying not having electricity (as this has happened on at least 2 other occasions for long periods of time in the past few years).
The silence in the house is always a surprise.
No refridgerator hum.
No computer noises.
Nothing.
It's like summer camping, but in my house, with dishes and laundry surrounding me.


After the first 12 hours I start to think about what's in my fridge.
Should I find somewhere to take it?
When will the power really come back?
Maybe I just need to clean out my fridge anyhow...


And then I fall into a peacefulness.
I don't mind not having power...that is until I see other people have power (because we're always one of the last streets to get reaquainted with this pleasure).
It's a strange feeling.
Almost envy, but not--it's a questioning, internally of why do the people by the park have electricity and we don't.
And then I get philosophical...like 
what if I lived where water was scarce or electricity...how would I feel about my neighbors
who seem to be blessed with this non-necessity and I don't. 
Would I become resentful?
Is that how wars begin?
Or at least fights?


And then I relax back into the moment.
I walk back into my house, light candles and enjoy the quiet.
Enjoy a true relationship with my daughters.
Enjoy watching the dogs play.
Enjoy quiet.


But--woohoo, did I tell you I'm thankful to have electricity back?
Light.

Saturday, September 03, 2011

8:21

My oldest has a cross country meet this morning, so she had to be at the school by 645...no sleeping in even on Saturdays for her during the fall.  I'm proud that last night she even had us leave the football game early, 8:41, to be exact--so she could get good sleep.  Of course as young kids I pushed getting enough sleep, so it's pleasant to see how she naturally knows this is what her body needs.  I hope she remembers that when she's in college.  Or even next week for that matter.  


I suppose I should get ready for work.  I can't imagine it's going to be busy being Labor Day weekend.  Most people will be out--not in the library...but it's my Saturday to work.  I'll be tired by lunch..I woke up at 5, feeling a cold coming on..did a gentle yoga practice to hopefully create some tapas, helping germs flow:)


Off I go...Om

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Getting older

The thing about getting older, at least this afternoon, is I am slowing less judgemental. I've never been too harsh on people, but activities/concepts/beliefs, I am not the most zen-ish.


I loosely maintain standards, but let things go that don't serve my day.  Take this afternoon for instance..BD and I went to the 3rd grade Pee Wee football game.  He wanted to watch his friends youngest son, so off we went to sit in the HOT sun.  He goes back later to help coach the 6th grade Pee Wee--um, not me.


Anyhow, anytime I go to football games I am completely fascinated--almost to the point of being disgusted, at what this sport does and means to people.  I don't get football at any level--more, I don't the mentality of the game, the coaches and the parents.  It seems so loud and hurtful.  Each time I go I am thankful my girls didn't want to cheer at this age (um, I have an 8th grade cheereleader this year. sigh.) and I don't have boys that play...yet, today I did enjoy going.  Watching the boys run the ball, seeing how it does bring people together--and if they're not crazy-serious, having a good time.  I laughed at the cheers that I swear haven't changed in 40 years--the ones I knew by heart in 1st grade (and I probably did when I cheered) and that's been quite some time ago.  I felt less angry at placing these young girls in front of a crowd for show--and saw the entertainment to it.  They were young girls having a good time, laughing and being happy--even if it seems silly. 


So--I felt good--in the setting--in the place--in the hot football sun.
Om.

Friday, August 26, 2011

2 minute break


Still waking up from my afternoon slump
worried my brain will stay in this low-gear
too long
worried the sunshine won't bring out my heart
worried I need to re-examine
too long
ago


That said, I am looking forward to getting off work at 5.
Walking into a housefull of teen girls, watching them get
primped for the football game...
Getting myself ready for an evening of dancing,
happy my girls can come to the hafla if they think football is boring.
Ha.
Football is boring, but their friends may not be.
Getting a good nights sleep.
That's my issue.
Sleep.
I don't think I'm getting enough and it's bringing on the
slow slump...Anyhow...
Enought stream of conciousness--back to real work.
Au revoir! Om

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

musical cleaning

without silence
empty-house-morning
bleaking-blaring-old-song-onceupontearing
radiates 
cleaning attempts

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Positive thinking

Tomorrow is another new year.
At least for my girls.
And for me in some small way.


They start back to school, getting up between 5:30-6am, groggily eating
a bowl of cereal and doing their sunkissed hair.
6,8 and 10th grades.
Wow...
I've said that many times today and will probably
for a few weeks...it's a common question.
Working with the public, I am reminded how
I've grown up with people and older people feel
they know me, and my girls, simply by daily, weekly or monthly contact.
So, when they ask what grades they're going in and I state:
6th, 8th and 10th...it's like:
Where did the time go? 
You see it in their expressions, often shared by "Oh I remember
you walking them in the stroller."


True.


Now, I'm lucky just to be walking with them...spending time with them.
I feel a huge amount of guilt not being home more, but they 
seem well adjusted--though I probably won't know that for a few more years.
They do seem happy though.
Content.
Loved.


Hopefully--they have a good year...but then again,
it's middle school.
High school.
That's generally isn't the most simple, but I'm gonna stick with
positive thinking though>:))

Thursday, August 18, 2011

zen in one



This week has emotionally sucked.
There hasn't been any REAL reason..nothing is fundamentally different
with my schedule or my life, just the raw reality of responsibility.


I realized I miss the days of rose colored glasses and only paying the cable bill,
...having a bedtime reading partner 
...smelly laundry
...adult home companionship
so how did I handle it?
I withdrew in my day to day life at the library.
I practiced asana and meditated more.
I tried to listen to happy yoga music and chant.
And then today,
I woke up alittle happier.
Lighter.
I had a wonderful bedtime asana practice last night.
Alot of standing poses...which are grounding and because they
deal with our base chakra--if we have family, work issues,
they can surface.
I don't know if anything necessarily surfaced, but I moved threw it and I went
to bed alittle lighter.


Today I still feel the blahness, but alittle more me...alittle more zen.
Om xoxo

Friday, August 05, 2011

Sophie Lucille

Puppy power.
Woooooo...what a decision--I let my oldest daughter-15-get a puppy.


She's been begging since her birthday in May.
I've been a steady no-to-i'llthinkaboutit--to--we'll see...


It didn't help that BD was supporting her, but my decision ultimately--which I respect.


That said, she has been patiently presenting her case--even started emailing people
on craigslist when I said it was ok...until last week when I agreed to take her to the pound.  


I knew I was a puppy owner before we left home...
And there she was waiting for her--a litter of 6 lab mixes (again, what was i thinking?)--but 
the sweetest little puppy girl ever.
Like they all are--


Not so sweet when I can't get my morning asana in--but a reminder of what's 
important and simple love.


Om.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Forgivenessnot

Forgive
ness
not
knot
bound up around
heartstrings
severed too many years ago


i tried to speak to her
about my
o
w
n
idon'twannaownit
butishouldownit
o
w
n
teenage 
dating abuse


as she sat
stepside
who's side are you on?
explaining her own
boy choking her sweet worded neck
pillow overtop
no
words can heal


forgiveness
ness
nes
ne


and as i left, sharing too little
i realized i haven't 
forgiven
the teenage girl who spiraled inside that nasty tale


and really,
it's time.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Duality vs. Non in WV

So we spent the last week in West Virginia.
To me, WV is one of those states that you see the beauty and the poverty.
Duality.
Non-duality.
Follow me.


Ok...before we left for WV I had been pondering duality and non-duality.
I clearly see both ideas, but feel non-duality in my innerself...that said, everywhere I turn duality shines it's head.
Black and white.
Good and bad.
Burnt toast and bread.


I though see the light in it all.
Illumination.


So--we're in WV having an awesome week of camping, whitewater rafting and horseback riding.  The scenery is breath-taking...the connection of sky, water, trees..nature.   As a shifted family, we all got along pretty well--moments arise like they do, but what I see as a dating mom--it's not unconditional love on both sides, but tolerant love--trying to be unconditional.  Anywho....


I had about 30 seconds to myself and decided to take out one of many books I ended up not reading and turned to the section on duality vs. non-duality. 
Of course.
The thought from Swami V. is that life is full of duality until you reach enlightenment (of some sort) when you can see that life is non-duality.
Duh.
Thanks for turning the obvious into something I could see.
I don't think of myself as enlightened, but when I read all these philosophies I see I may be at a different stage or maybe not--I don't know.  I just know I am glad I read this idea to help me with this weekly thought.


Om.



Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Truth is...

Truth is I love truth is.


If you don't know what "Truth is" is let me explain, from what I understand.


On Facebook my girls get these random posts on their walls beginning with 'Truth is...' and then their friend, who they may know well or not, ends the sentence.


Example: Truth is, last yr lunch was fun.
              Truth is, your gorgeous but we should hang out more.
              Truth is, you're the biggest creeper, but I love you anyway. hahaha.


They go on and on.  It seems to be an eternal FB thing--that is so positive.  So, in this age of fear and 'cyberbullying' that we hear about, I realized this is one of those rare positive games.


I know when I was in school I rarely shared with random people what I liked about them.  This breaks that boundary and just lets the love flow.


Truth is, you're beautiful just the way you are!


Om
"Happiness is only real when shared".....from Into the Wild
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