poetry. thoughts and more than make-believe.

Thursday, December 05, 2013

#nofear

Today someone I work with asked me how I was...I try to be honest when answering that question.  It has to be the biggest lie told, but for me - at some point - I made it about checking in with myself.  I spend most of my day giving, giving, giving and sometimes I forget where I might be in the moment. So I pause, check in and then answer the best I can.

So, she asked how I was and I told her, "pretty great."
And I then I went on to explain.
Normally pretty great would be a fine way to leave the conversation, but working life has been less than pleasant this past year so I kept talking.

I told her how when I am home, I feel great.
(I wanted to tell her my vibrational frequency rocks out, but didn't want to scare her off too much...) But when I come to work, it's like BOOM...falling to the bottom of an energy pit and how I am looking for new work and I am trying to stay positive, because maybe when I focus on the negative at work it keeps me attached to that frequency (maybe I didn't say frequency) and I need to let that go so I can move on.

I think she got it.
I wouldn't say that to everyone.
She and I have a good karmic friendship in that way...

And I felt really proud of myself that I could express what I needed to say so succinctly. I had a brief moment of clarity.  #nofear #love

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

I am not Catholic, but...

Yesterday, as I was wasting time online, I caught the headline about the Michigan woman who is suing Catholic Bishops over the way her miscarriage was handled or in her case, wasn't handled, at her local hospital.  This morning I ran into the headline again.  I decided to read further, discovering this NY times article. 

This of course, led me to think and realize what I already knew...

12 years ago I was pregnant with baby #4.  I was 30 years old.  I had 3 natural births, so I wasn't too worried about any complications.

At 20 weeks I went in for the typical ultrasound, which was kind of a big deal at the time, because my then-husband & I decided to find out the sex of the baby...something we hadn't done with the others.
But as the ultrasound technician was working, she told me she needed to find our midwife. We didn't think much of it honestly...our midwife would have loved to share this experience with us.  Sadly, she had to share that we lost our baby.
Our last...our very last baby.  I remember saying, "but I'm not going to have anymore babies..." like that would make a difference. 

We went through the process of listening to the non-heartbeat.  I had to really know this baby had died in utero.

Our midwife sent us home with clear instructions on what we should do and what might happen.  She wanted me to know that sometimes when the brain catches up with the body, the body physically releases...the miscarriage happens naturally.

This did not happen.

We went back to the hospital the next morning.
I was admitted.
I was initially given the choice of having a D & E (not C - this would be an Extraction...a medically induced abortion) or to take medication that would cause my body to go into labor. 

After much deliberation, we had decided on a D & E.  Our midwife respected this decision.  Quickly after this mental relief, my decision though was nixed by the Doctor.  He told Midwife I was too far along to have a D & E.  I knew that couldn't be true, because women were still able to have legal abortions at 20 weeks in Ohio.  But who were my husband and I to disagree with a Doctor?  We were grieving parents who being guided during this time of complete sadness.

I would take the medication, which I was told was for ulcers.  A side effect of this was spontaneous abortion.  Initially, they inserted the medication vaginally.
The body absorbs the medicine quickest that way.
After how many times and a tender vagina, they decided to give me the medicine orally.

I would take the medicine when given, but my body did not want to give up this sweet baby.  Or maybe my mind did not...I held on for almost 24 hours.  I still remember, but even more felt the moment I heard an Inner Voice say, "Let go," allowing my body to deliver this baby.

Our midwife stayed with us inbetween her patients.  In my mind, she was there with us continually.  She spoke quietly with me, as my body contracted this baby...using oils to help the process.

I delivered baby #4...a boy we named Elliot.

And in the end, I am glad I delivered him because I got to hold my baby and tell him goodbye...how much we loved him already.  But, I never felt right that the Doctor had decided the process instead of me...especially when we were given that choice. 

And so - what do you do when you have no choice?  What do you do when it's not a natural, easy process? 

You sue.
And though I usually think people are sueing-happy, in this case - I think she has every right.  This hasn't just happened to her.  More stories I am sure will start to flood the headlines and what ever may come of it...the truth will be heard.

 


Tuesday, December 03, 2013

For the good...

I won't apologize for not writing...I will simply write.
xoxo

So...anyhow,

Today I found myself sitting in yet another meeting.
I won't go into any great detail, but I'll share what is bothering me.


Because of this tiny tsunami
day
to (2)
day
responsibilities
shift under the rug,
on top of the staircase
and inside whispery voices.

One
but
two (2)
sat
explaining fairness,
how there will not be flexibility and in that,
there will be no 8 o'clock
ship docking.

9 o'clock is when the bell will ring.

No playground laughter,
straight to the dentist chair.

And I said, with a crack in my voice, "I can't afford not to teach yoga."
"I wish I could, but I can't."
Mostly I feel, I wish I could afford not to - but I can't - and I don't want to give it up.
I don't want to have to make a choice.
I don't want to hear "what's best for the library."

I want you to understand "what's best for my family."
And I suddenly felt angry.

Wishing I could fall into easy madness,
but my brain doesn't like easy -
instead
understanding
too
(2)
many things
"Happiness is only real when shared".....from Into the Wild
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