poetry. thoughts and more than make-believe.

Monday, January 31, 2011

My day, plus day 4 of my night...

Today I was quiet.
If you know me, you might think that's normal...if you're my BFF's well....you still might think that's normal, but  you'd know the difference between what's quiet and what's super quiet.  I was alittle bit of both today.
Maybe contemplative is the word.
My (former) brother-in-law passed away after Thanksgiving and it's been tough on me.
I know it's been tough on everyone.

I realized his death has been my first adult death without warning...not like my grandma or someone else old--but an unexpected death.  Even though he's my former husbands brother, we stayed close.  He was my family for many years and we really loved each other.  The last time I saw him was last summer.  He was visiting from Arizona for a week. I hadn't seen him for a few years, because of the distance.  And now --I feel so thankful that when he left I gave him a big hug and kiss and told him I loved him.  That is my last physical memory of him.
He called once and we had a great conversation.
Thankful again.
And grief--it sneaks up on you.
Like today.
I found an online article someone posted with an obituary attached to it.
Woh...it was very kind.  I felt very proud to have had him in my physical life.
But--it got to me.
I had to go in.
I've already been emotional anyhow, so this just let me be in the very most present state.
Aware.
Kind.
Loving.

So--really my day was my night...a picture of Brian.
Om.
VVN/Steve Ayers
The three primary overseers of the monument working for the Bureau of Land Management are (left to right) biologist Jay Vacca, ranger Nancy Stallard and archaeologist Brian Culpepper. Agua Fria is one of five national monuments in Arizona and 15 across the west administered by the BLM.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Day 3- Picture of the cast from fave show



Honestly, I hardly watch TV anymore.
Seinfeld was my favorite show for so many years that my first two daughters births and Seinfeld share memories.
With my oldest I had Seinfeld on in the delivery room...too bad I don't recall the episode.
And with my middle daughter, I wouldn't go to the hospital until Seinfeld was over.
It was a new Thursday night episode...how could I give that up?

It's ironic though, Seinfeld is the show that I had to "let go" of to really become part of the parent I am today.  Though I was never an avid tv watcher, I did watch certain shows.
Friends. Seinfeld.  All those Thursday night shows.  The problem with enjoying shows is you WANT to watch the next one.
Duh.
But kids don't necessarily care.
Nor should they.
And I clearly recall getting frustrated because I wanted to watch Seinfeld, but one of
the girls--who were babies--woke up or I had to nurse, oh you know--parent, and I felt so frustrated.  I wanted to sit. Relax. Watch TV. And thats when it hit me...I was way too attached to Seinfeld.  To TV in general.
So...I had to let go to become a better parent.
The Buddhist in me detached.

Thank the holy heavens.

Now, I watch tv with my girls on occasion and there are certain shows I enjoy if I just happen to catch them, but honestly I never know when anything's on.
I just watched American Idol for the first time this month.

And hey, I still love Seinfeld--love to laugh, but even more I love that the show helped me grow.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Day 2: Picture of who I've known the longest



Circa: 1988...though this barely the earliest picture, it's one I have handy online.
K and I became friends when she was 4 and I was five.
Her family moved across the street from mine.
At 10, both our families moved...in town, so we could still walk to each others homes.
Our meeting corner was at "The Tacky People's" house...you know the one, full
of gawdy yard decor...
We grew up.
Moved.
But 34 years later, we are still BFF's--even if we don't live across the street from each other anymore.
Love.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Day 1- picture of yourself with 10 facts

I generally don't want to commit to these 30 days of anythings, but I'll give it a try...maybe it'll help me focus...

1. I drink coffee everyday. I'm ok with this one addiction.
2. I do yoga everyday. Is that an addiction? 
3. I love dancing...I don't claim to be great, but it's in my heart to move.
4. My girls are my world. 
5. I always knew I wanted kids and wanted them before 30.
6. I am a published writer...this came about by coincidence, but none-the-less...
7. Housecleaning is not my first priority.  Living life well is, but if I was more tidy I'd like that too.
8. I wish I didn't need curtains.  That would mean living in the country--and I don't.
9. I've never bought a car.
10. I don't like socks.  Barefoot is the way to go.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Out of the mouth

The other night I'm sitting on the couch watching teen shows with my youngest (11), while my oldest (14) was on the floor playing Sims. 
My middle daughter (13) was at a basketball game.

My youngest turned to me, "that smells really bad..." about my drink in hand.  I told her it was a drink with something like wine in it.  In reality it was Kahlua and milk. 
She then said, "whenever I smell that I always think of you."
I burst out laughing, "Really?"
Well she kinda back petals, but I told her that was alright.
I'm hardly a lush, so I'm ok with whatever her response may be.

Then my oldest pops up her opinion..."you know you shouldn't drink at all.  It's bad for you."
One word: moderation.
Her one word: No.
Black and white is her world and now that she's in health class she seems to be an expert on everything good.

Fast forward a few hours...I'm walking in the back door with my middle daughter. She explained how excited she was because in
her health class they were going to see how it was to be drunk tomorrow.  They were wearing some sort of glasses or goggles that would give them that 'drunk feeling' and then they had to walk the line.

What?? 

Ok, I get the point--but in her case the lesson may have an opposite affect because she was/is way too excited in my opinion for this upcoming experience.

All on a weeknight...

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Who's watching you?



One of my responsibilities at work last year was getting the teen board off and running since we were finally able to hire a young adult assistant to help me.  Once upon I had been the ya assistant, but somehow I've fallen into something more--so anyhow, we now have a growing teen board. 

They met for their monthly meeting the other day and I did a short drop in to see how it was going with the ya ass't. 
Fine.
Other than when I first sat down I felt like they thought they'd be caught doing something wrong, only because they were talking music.  I'm all about getting to know the teens, plus their interests--so anyhow, after I was filled in on what they felt they should tell me--we started talking about school (which came from getting more kids involved) and cheating.

Then came security camera's at the highschool.
In school hallways.
In class rooms.
One girl was convinced every camera worked, while the other said half were fakes just to scare them.

That's when it really hit me--these kids will have no idea how it feels not be in 'that' environment.
I couldn't have imagined camera's in school.
Let alone our little smalltown, semi-affluent school with not much crime, other than drinking and pot smoking teens.

We've somehow sold them and the teachers that this makes school more secure.
(Retailers sell baby-camera's (baby monitors), creating fear in parents..instilling the idea that these camera's will help the parents sleep better at night--here's my idea: a familybed.  Best security possible.)  Anyhow....
I am much more critical...I think camera's and all that entails only makes people more tricky and creative in their actions, if they're going to do something 'wrong.'

And then I wondered, what would I do if camera's suddenly showed up at work.
They're in street lights and cop cars...office buildings...and schools.

So--my apologies to these kids...for never getting to know true freedom--
but knowing it's all inside us and teaching kids/people to keep thinking for themselves.

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Effortlessly Wonderful

This entire day was so effortlessly wonderful...

I've been looking forward to today for weeks--why you ask?
Bellydance practice!

When I chose to do my yoga teacher training this past fall, I had two concerns:
BD and bellydance.
(I wasn't concerned over my actual life/work schedule because the universe of course let my work and girls schedule flow, again effortlessly.)
But bellydance...I was worried about taking time off.
Not that I would suddenly forget how to dance, because that's impossible...again, the riding-your-bike analogy...but I was worried about what this meant for our troupe and disappointing my friends.

Though I missed a couple performances and initially had a twinge of anxiety, in the end I had to let go...knowing it's impossible to do it all and I knew what getting my YTT meant to me...so I did.  And funny how life works out, because it seemed a few of us in the troupe had life events that needed to be tended to...so they all took alittle break.
Until this morning.
And AWWWWW...how wonderful it felt to open my Being again..
I felt so alive.
My heart.
My hips.
My arms.
The music just jazzes my soul.
And I felt the internal empowerment it brings me--making my smile alittle warmer.
Then later in the afternoon we had a yoga teacher meeting...and when I hugged this other teacher she told me how hot I felt.   Alive.
Fast forward, we're all doing introductions to one another...
Me: mom of 3, librarian, just finished YTT...the end.
Yoga teacher next to me: And bellydancer....

I just about jumped with joy..Yes I said and explained my morning.
The hugging teacher said, "no wonder you felt so warm..."
And I felt alittle part of me return.

Thinking how fortunate I am...with bellydance and now yoga...and always my friends, family and library...I am surrounded by people who love me.  Wanting to see me grow, allowing change to bring about a better version. 
Kinda like a relationship...patience.
Growth.
Joy.
Love.

Shimmy on:)

Saturday, January 08, 2011

I'm slow--Bop It

I sat on the floor laughing, almost pathetically last night...at the fact of how slow
my brain registers information.  We got two Bop-It's for Christmas.  I picked one up that day, but not again till last night.

My middle daughter was bragging about her high score.
My youngest told me hers.
BD started playing too.

So, I thought--what the heck--it can't be that hard.

Wow--what do I know??
I never got past 14...which means I got 14 correct in a row.
And you only three options:
Bop-It
Twist
Pull

For the first few tries I got 5 & 7...
I closed my eyes, trying to focus in--blocking out the TV, chatter and my eternal
ear-ringing.
But O-M-G..I sucked.
To the point my girls thought I was doing it half on purpose.

And then I realized how slow I truly am.
I am rarely reactionary.
I think.
Ponder.
Analyze.

It can take me days to realize someone's intentions or smart-ass remarks.
Unless I am on my game that day and all the stars are aligned...or if I'm dancing the night away.

So-I'm with my BFF plus one last night...we're drinking some Baileys and coffee,
laughing about life--when I said, "Wow I realized how slow I am today..."
That sent them into hysterics, because evidently they just said the same thing about me
the day before...My BFF explained how and why this came up, while my other BF
said I am a Muse.
She has called me this many times before.
I am ok with that.
She plainly sees I am not at the same level they are...and anyone who loves me,
hopefully knows that about me...sometimes this idea makes me sad.

Other times, like last night, it just makes me laugh.
Or when I play Bop-It.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Back to the Grindstone

After 2 weeks (minus 3 days) of being off my librarian-job, I headed back to work
this week ...the girls were back in school.
I wasn't prepared for it to be such a downer.  Going back to work and all...
I knew the girls would be all Oh schools so boring, I'm tired, etc...
But--they really weren't all that.
Myself on the otherhand, had a difficult time getting back into the swing of things.

At first I thought it was just the routine I was having a hard time with, but
really--I'm someone who loves routine...then I realized walking home..its just about the fact of not being home more.
Period.

I am resolved in the fact I have to work.
I have since I was 16.
I am a single mom who at this point is not independantly wealthy and considering
I don't play the lottery, I don't see myself in non-working status anytime soon.
Even during my marriage, I worked part-time...partly because it worked perfect with
our schedules, partly because it was encouraged by both family and the wonderful
women I work with.  I enjoy work...well I should say, I enjoy work I love to do.
I love being a librarian.
I also love being a yoga teacher.
A new yoga teacher at that.
But, mostly love being a mom and I see the time slipping.  My oldest will be 15 this
spring and holy-cow that's crazy.
I've been so fortunate in my life and I have wonderful girls who amaze me...and so
being home with them this past two weeks was such an awesome gift.

On the other hand, I also realize I am someone who has a hard time not working.
I would be doing something.
I would be a full-time yoga teacher.
Maybe I still will be.
And then be home more.

I shouldn't whine..it'll all balance out.
"Happiness is only real when shared".....from Into the Wild
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