poetry. thoughts and more than make-believe.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

What means alot to me

Retro Dancing
My girls.
My beloved.
My family.
And my VW Eurovan sitting dead behind my garage.
I love it.
It's in dire need of a revamp.
It'll get going again soon.
Much love.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Wow--the longest 30 days ever!!

What happened to my 30 days of pictures?? 
Well--first, my computer continues to malfunction and I find the less I use the other one, well--the less I am on--Period.
But today, I thought I'd catch up on some blogging and general surfing.

So--anyhow, on whatever number this is of 30 days, I am suppose to show a picture of my day.


And so--what I think of my day, less than an actual picture of it...

1****)  Finding out my middle daughter made cheerleading, after week long practices.  She also began track this past week full time, so I knew in the end she'd probably get sick.  I was hoping it'd wait till the weekend--unfortunately it set in on Friday.  The day of try-outs.  But still--she did her best and made it.  I found out this morning!!

1) Thankfully, I got to sleep in with my beloved BD after the seemingly longest week in forever.  Though it was a good week in the actual work that I did, it was simply too busy.  These days I try to view business as abundance, but sometimes it's just too much and in the end, sleep is needed. Yay for this morning.

2) Subbing Family Yoga this afternoon.  I do it alittle different than the normal teacher, because I base my class more on stories.  I've realized lately, what I love to share is based on words. Stories. Books...which is why I chose English in college as my major, I suppose.  I love figuring out the meaning in words and what the author wants us to think about--so whether it's sharing books or yoga--it's all about doing what you love in the end.

3) Making spaghetti for BD and me--simply enjoying each other..love love love.  

4) And now--this evening...it'll be good too.  Maybe I'll sit and read.  Maybe a cocktail.  Maybe both.  Love. Love. Love.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

What I wish I could forget

Not this moment...but
Goodness...my hair!!

Let me quick alittle background on the pic.

I'm probably 15 or 16...so that'd be like
1988ish...hence, the big hair.
Then my friend and I--she lived in a rather large house with plenty of room, so I'm unsure why we chose to sleep in the spare bedroom with the inflatable...unless we just wanted a double bed to sleep in. 

And we weren't friends that would get dressed up and do make-up or hair, so again--not sure why we were actually doing hair.

Yes--notice the crimper off to the left.

I probably had a perm--just like Tammie and I did here:

Another moment, I would never want to forget, but the hair--I can easily laugh at and forget. And again, notice the permed hair, plus opening the hot rollers!!
But then again--thankfully I know I never wanna return to this style again.
Tammie would never let me anyhow.
Or my girls.

Monday, March 07, 2011

Let's Go Traveling...

On day 20--lets go traveling...oh say to a beach because this gray, midwest weather is about to put me under.  Though it's not the worse I've suffered from, it's been an eternally long winter.  And I'm ready for the sun.
And the beach.
Tropical--perferable with fruity drinks and sexy cabana boys.

On the way home, lets stop in New York for a yoga retreat.
Yes--my spiritual crisis for the moment...
So I'm in a crux of a situation--one that I don't know is possible either way because
of work and my girls.
Again--traveling to New York for a long weekend in May.
I had completely planned on this --well minus the not knowing part.

Then I get a text yesterday from Tammie asking if I wanna go to Nashville to see the lovely Beth Hart perform at the end of April.
Well--of course I want a road trip with my BFF, listen to amazing music and have an unforgettable time!!
Problem is the universe isn't really giving me a sign because the two words go hand-in-hand either way.

I wish I could do both.
But, I can't.
Tammie's going no matter what--so I don't feel guilty about not going--I just know the amount of fun we'd have.

But this weekend was already mentally planned for me--and I know this is the life direction I'm heading--so....

Sunday, March 06, 2011

a picture and a letter...

My grandma:


I found a Valentine letter she had written me years ago, just last week.

My girls brought home a shoebox from my parents basement, full of my girl-years:
Many key chains with my name
Rainbow key chains
A Dutch shoe key chain...(amazing how important key chains were when i didn't drive...now i scramble to find one at all)
Plus choir pins
Charm bracelets
And then a metal, flowery box.

I always get alittle excited wondering what sort of treasures
I hid away...and that's when I discovered the Valentines letter from Grandma.

Her handwriting was still very neat, so I could only assume it had to have been
before her macular degeneration had really set in.  She wrote a sweet poem, possibly created by her--just for me:)

Finding this letter set a smile in my heart--and does just writing about.
My grandma, Jean, passed away a few years ago.
She was a genuinely beautiful soul.
I miss her more than I ever knew you could...but she's here.
And I love when I find her hidden in special spots.
Much Love.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

how do you answer that question?

she came to fax
not so fast
i asked
'how are you?'
noticing her new haircut and late-in-life divorce a year earlier

and she paused:

'well..i lost my sister a week ago today to breast cancer..
i don't know how to answer that question'

speaking of her cancer
once upon a time believing
her youngest
would make it
past her Stage

speaking of her mothers family
each daughter
losing a child
or two

'and how do you answer that question?'

Abbreviated sharing :
my baby-Elliot-miscarriage...
the coming-back-to-work questions
9 years ago
people meaning well to ask how you are
                           but when you wanna scream is this all there is?
                                and life can be over
                                     and my family has changed
                                        and my heart is broken
                                            how do you answer?
but honest
squeezing my hand with
broken eyes for her sister
she simply said 'thank you'

And I was glad I opened my heart to her.
Much love.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

day 18: My biggest insecurity

My biggest insecurity is my inability to be neat.
I am not necessarily messy, but not at all a neat freak.
I would rather spend my days reading, instead of putting laundry away.
Or making jewelry, yoga, bellydance, spending time with family, friends and of course first--my girls.
Even when they were young, cleaning was not on the top of my list.  We built things, played in the dirt, made crafts and generally had fun.
I suppose I thought once they were all in school I would suddenly have my house in tip-top shape, but in reality I discovered more time to live.
But then--I'd feel this enormous guilt for not being more clean.
More neat.
And though I've accepted who I am, I find I still have insecurities about it.
I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side--but then again, you can't make mud pies that way.
Much Love.
"Happiness is only real when shared".....from Into the Wild

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