poetry. thoughts and more than make-believe.

Friday, September 30, 2011

A few weeks ago I received an email from a man asking about private yoga for him and his family.
He wanted for them to all take a yoga class together, begin this journey, on a weekly basis.
I mentioned the hardest part about this would be coordinating everyones schedule.

That ended up being semi-true.

Between my schedule and his family, the only way we could come to a middle place, was to create
a new class for him.  Through some planning on my end, we were able to get space at one of the locations I teach.
I was very apprehensive about all of this...even this morning, after an AWESOME first class last night.  He did attend with his wife, sons and girlfriend--plus more students who obviously find the words "beginner yoga" to be much more inviting, than simply "yoga."  I do think it went well.  It's a challenge for me because I haven't taught a true beginners class in a long time --so that is very good:) 

But the apprehension...what is that?  Where is it coming from?  I sense it is fear based.
Fear of success?
Fear or change?
Since completing my YTT last year, I realized I would like to work less hours at the library and spend more time teaching...hence all of I've opened myself to.  But as I'm getting closer to the reality of that, I find a bigger fear setting in.
Mostly--could I actually do it?  I've been a single mom for a few years now and though I may complain about the hours
at work, I've been there for a long time...and would not leave...but to reduce my hours most likely means never to return to full time status there. 
Ever.
No insurance.
Dental.
Nothing.

And then that leads me to thinking, do I simply work for the anticipation of getting sick?
I generally don't get sick, but I'm a realist and know it's a fact of life.
Sometimes an antibiotic is more than helpful.
But do I make myself miserable for that?

And what would keep me at full time status, if all things were possible?
To be home by 3 or 4 everyday for my girls.
For the sunshine.

And now...as I desire less and the universe seems to unfold--I find myself in fear.

I supposed it's a good thing I recognize what I am sensing..and just continue to let go,
unfold
grow.



Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Morning dreams



it was a quick morning dream, i'm sure
as i layed in bed
next to the-end-of-my-affair-love

walking uphill
to wandering guitar-loving-folk-festival-folks
i noticed skyward

birds swooping
people watching
lady shoulderstandingme

as the overgrown owl
cascaded below to the crowd
opening his wings
with a strong hawk on the left side
and a rainbow colored parrot on the right

with power
we knelt
we prayed
to the earth
crying lovable tears

oneness

as we stood
and they swirled
to find another flight

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Breaking up an afternoon fight

I was downstairs, sitting quietly, reading the best teen book I've read for abit (Delirium) when a few of the after school kids came down to play on the computers and draw.  Almost everyday there's a group of 5-10 kids who decided last year that this was going to be their hangout.  Fine.  After 19 years, I've seen kids come and go, some needing us more than others...this is one of those groups.  The thing about this group--they're loud.  Obnoxious. Language.  It's been a test of wills.  I usually have to be more of a mom, than a friend--which I find comfort in that I can do that readily.

Today one of the boys asked if another boy had been in...
Nope.
Boy 1 was glad boy 2 had not been in, he said boy 2 was being a jerk.
They're middle school, so they're always mad at each other--but the next day they may love each other.

Fast forward an hour later and I'm walking out a back entry way, able to see down the hall where the kids congregate around the computers.

Boy 2 is being tough to boy 1 on the computer.
Boy 1 doesn't want to fight.
I said to the woman next to me, "I don't think this is good. Boy 2 wants to fight."
As if it's slow motion,  boy 2 pokes boy 1, trying to start a fight.  Boy 1 tries to ignore him.

One of my co-workers was out there, but I didn't see her from my view.
Within seconds boy 2 lunges at boy 1, lifted him from his seat, trying to do a throw down.

I heard the woman next to me say, "Call the police."
I am a woman/mom on a mission. 

By the time I got to the doorway, boy 2 has managed to start thumping boy 1, with all the friends trying to stop boy 2 and kinda cheering the FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT energy in the area.

I had a fleeting thought of, I could accidently get hit, but that didn't stop me from slamming open the door, with my most bellowing mom voice "GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW"...right into boy 2's eyes.

He respects me generally.
I don't think he knew I was there.
I wonder if I had been on desk if it would've even transpired?
He flew up the steps.
I checked in with boy 2.

He was fine--just shaken up.  He's not a fighter--he told me he was there to defend the girl that boy 2 was supposedly going to start a fight with.
What?

Sigh.
The police show up and take the boys stories. 

I am shaken up.
I am not surprised at their fighting, but fighting rocks me to the core.
Though I'm mostly zen, I am a fighter.
Maybe that's why.
Maybe I'm upset because during my mom-yelling, I have the fight in me...I feel it deep inside and it scares me.
I realized through this, I suppress this fire. Agni. I don't need to fight and I don't want to see people fight.
It usually makes me cry.
And these kids--the ones that have had a hard short life--are most likely going to have a hard longer life if someone doesn't care.
I know I can't save the world.
Or the kids of the world.
I just want to know their cared for...

Om.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Listening to this link this morning about patience and vibration ...I have heard of  'Abraham Hicks' through other people, but haven't followed up on any reading or listening.

What I hear from this is the same message I find through Swami Satchinananda and other people, other beliefs --possibly through the Bhagavad gita and other mediums.  I am reminded of being a vibrational being, law of attraction, improved situations, etc...I suppose I appreciate the message and do ultimately believe something similar.  Maybe the same.  I'm not sure.

Is it vibration?  Expectation?  Pre-destination? Muddy life?  Just finding the simply joy and acceptance in what comes, but ultimately leading back to the beginning?  Really..do I not have other things to contemplate this morning? Ha.  Going to go practice alittle burlesque-y dancing before work this morning for a weekend of being a sexy zombie dancing to Michael Bubles, I Feel Good

Monday, September 19, 2011

Practice remembering

Balance.
We hear it all the time, or at least I do--maybe it's me talking to myself...
Balance.
Right.
Left.
Namaste,
honoring the divine
joining together
right palm
left palm
meeting in the center


Breathing
right nostril
left nostril
ida
pingala
centering sushumna


Back to balance..
My practice this morning was limited because I woke up with a stiff neck, feeling
the tightness down the right side of my spine.
Sucks.
So slowly I trodded onto my mat, understanding that when I feel this tightness that
stretching is that fine line between helping and hurting--so I listened closely to what I could handle.  
What I found was a playful balance between my right and left side...I didn't want to take it all that serious.
I have a semi-sick child home for goodness sake! So...I did what I could and knew I could take what I discovered to teaching tonight--at least on some level.


Then--through this homeness, I decided to make beads.  I haven't had my glass out in probably almost 3 crazy years.
I was almost afraid I would forget some vital step between lighting my torch and rotating glass, but YIPPEEEE...it is truly like riding a bike, you don't forget.
It just takes practice at remembering.


Practice at remembering.
Remembering that life is not just this or that, neti-neti, but a balance between 
inside
outside
upside down.


Practice at remembering.
Remembering at my kitchen table what it feels like to be home.
To remember how I liked being home.
Being married.
Being a wife.


Practice at remembering.
Balance.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Saturday
Saturns Day

Yesterday was so peaceful...being off work and doing whatever I wanted.  I met with a few friends at different points of the day, coffee--a walk and then in the evening a drink.  Joy !!  It was easy, simple--though I found I had to make myself clean--which is consisently true for me.  It's kinda like being a kid that has to clean their room before they can go play--or at least that was the case for me, still holding true as an adult.

It's hard to believe almost everyday was like that a few years, I wonder why I didn't enjoy it more--because it's
honestly pretty great.
I'll be wonderful at being retired.
But, since I'm not retired yet, I'll have to go to work today...

Friday, September 16, 2011

Trusting inward

It's been a seemingly long week.
I've been internally emotional or maybe outward too, as I tear up when a co-worker gives me a peace crane as a momento of my peace crane project at work right now.  (got a minute?  I'm trying to collect 1000 cranes by thanksgiving...anyhow....)

It started with a driving dream.
I was in the back seat of a pick up truck with two women up front.
I didn't know them and they were laughing at the hills we were driving through.
The one woman told me to take the wheel, being in the back I didn't think I could take control...which left us swooshing through the country roads.
I consciously in the dream thought, "Let go..."

My entire life when I am in the midst of analyzing or worrying, car dreams avail.
Their messages are simplicity defined.

So, I am sure I should let go of my mind right now. I'm in an overly analytical time..maybe it's the fall..shutting down the summer heat and beginning to go inward.

It is the most natural inclination.  Turning inward with the seasons.  Letting go of sunshine and outdoor play, to an inner-ness.  For me, it is taking care of my home, my dreams, taking stock of where I am and paying attention to the hills ahead.  To the swooshing road.
I waiver between trying to respect my emotions and knowing the cut off point too.
Because really--it's all good.

I just need to remind myself to trust.
Adhimukti.
Having confidence. Trust. Intuition.
Om.

Friday, September 09, 2011

Free. To. Be. without a breathalyzer.

Maybe I've read too much dystopian young adult fiction, but the turn of all-things-education has me slightly freaked out.

Last night my oldest told me that the school is going to make all the kids take a breathalyzer before entering the Homecoming dance...
"What?"
She repeats.
"UHHHHHHHHH..." I'm speechless.  I'm very aware that the kids are underage, so yes--they should not be drinking.  It's generally not a problem, so I hear.  I know that the school is "scaring" them.  First, "Dirty dancing" permission slips...now this.
Still speechless.
"Well, if you want to go then I guess..." Speechless.
Do the kids not have rights?
Or really are they going to grow up feeling policed?
Guilty before proven innocent.
Words and thoughts just kept crossing my mind.
Drinking after the dance.
Kids will.
Still no words.

And today, as I read "Delirium" by Lauren Oliver for booktalks, I see that this dystopian future is so much of the present.  Not like the days I grew up.  Not that it was better..just different.  More relaxed.  Free.  To.  Be.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

ahimsa

Teaching yoga has been a wonderful journey I've started on, but finding the irony in personal expectations never ceases to surprise me.

I hadn't taught in a week, which anything else I don't do for a week, seems like a vacation...but not teaching. It's different.  I feel more purposeful in my language, my words, in my poses when I return to students.  It's less about having an agenda or some fancy schmancy flow planned, than reading my students and seeing what they're ready for next.  And part of that reading brings me into doubting my intuition, which leaves feeling unprepared--even though if I'd really trust myself--I completely am for the moment.  So..anyhow, as soon as we were done this morning, my 2 students (did I mention it's at 7:15 and that seems to be too early for most folks) were all gooshy on how great it was.




Really?  I wanted to ask, but could tell they were very sincere.  I hadn't come to class with an idea of what I wanted to convey, other than using the word 'ahimsa' at some point.  Ahimsa is sanskrit for non-violence or non-harm.  It always pops in my head when I'm in childs pose. Surrender. Compassion. Being nice to yourself.  Not harming yourself or others.

A good beginning to the weekend..Om

Monday, September 05, 2011

Electricity




I've spent the last 36 hours without electricity due to a 'microburst' storm as the fancy-pants weather people are calling it these days.  I suppose the time of calling it a 'mini-tornado' is over...a 'microburst'...whatever you call it, disrupted life in this small town over the weekend.  Some folks are still without power and thankfully mine, returned about 1pm.  


I always spend the first 12 hours enjoying not having electricity (as this has happened on at least 2 other occasions for long periods of time in the past few years).
The silence in the house is always a surprise.
No refridgerator hum.
No computer noises.
Nothing.
It's like summer camping, but in my house, with dishes and laundry surrounding me.


After the first 12 hours I start to think about what's in my fridge.
Should I find somewhere to take it?
When will the power really come back?
Maybe I just need to clean out my fridge anyhow...


And then I fall into a peacefulness.
I don't mind not having power...that is until I see other people have power (because we're always one of the last streets to get reaquainted with this pleasure).
It's a strange feeling.
Almost envy, but not--it's a questioning, internally of why do the people by the park have electricity and we don't.
And then I get philosophical...like 
what if I lived where water was scarce or electricity...how would I feel about my neighbors
who seem to be blessed with this non-necessity and I don't. 
Would I become resentful?
Is that how wars begin?
Or at least fights?


And then I relax back into the moment.
I walk back into my house, light candles and enjoy the quiet.
Enjoy a true relationship with my daughters.
Enjoy watching the dogs play.
Enjoy quiet.


But--woohoo, did I tell you I'm thankful to have electricity back?
Light.

Saturday, September 03, 2011

8:21

My oldest has a cross country meet this morning, so she had to be at the school by 645...no sleeping in even on Saturdays for her during the fall.  I'm proud that last night she even had us leave the football game early, 8:41, to be exact--so she could get good sleep.  Of course as young kids I pushed getting enough sleep, so it's pleasant to see how she naturally knows this is what her body needs.  I hope she remembers that when she's in college.  Or even next week for that matter.  


I suppose I should get ready for work.  I can't imagine it's going to be busy being Labor Day weekend.  Most people will be out--not in the library...but it's my Saturday to work.  I'll be tired by lunch..I woke up at 5, feeling a cold coming on..did a gentle yoga practice to hopefully create some tapas, helping germs flow:)


Off I go...Om
"Happiness is only real when shared".....from Into the Wild
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