poetry. thoughts and more than make-believe.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Forgivenessnot

Forgive
ness
not
knot
bound up around
heartstrings
severed too many years ago


i tried to speak to her
about my
o
w
n
idon'twannaownit
butishouldownit
o
w
n
teenage 
dating abuse


as she sat
stepside
who's side are you on?
explaining her own
boy choking her sweet worded neck
pillow overtop
no
words can heal


forgiveness
ness
nes
ne


and as i left, sharing too little
i realized i haven't 
forgiven
the teenage girl who spiraled inside that nasty tale


and really,
it's time.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Duality vs. Non in WV

So we spent the last week in West Virginia.
To me, WV is one of those states that you see the beauty and the poverty.
Duality.
Non-duality.
Follow me.


Ok...before we left for WV I had been pondering duality and non-duality.
I clearly see both ideas, but feel non-duality in my innerself...that said, everywhere I turn duality shines it's head.
Black and white.
Good and bad.
Burnt toast and bread.


I though see the light in it all.
Illumination.


So--we're in WV having an awesome week of camping, whitewater rafting and horseback riding.  The scenery is breath-taking...the connection of sky, water, trees..nature.   As a shifted family, we all got along pretty well--moments arise like they do, but what I see as a dating mom--it's not unconditional love on both sides, but tolerant love--trying to be unconditional.  Anywho....


I had about 30 seconds to myself and decided to take out one of many books I ended up not reading and turned to the section on duality vs. non-duality. 
Of course.
The thought from Swami V. is that life is full of duality until you reach enlightenment (of some sort) when you can see that life is non-duality.
Duh.
Thanks for turning the obvious into something I could see.
I don't think of myself as enlightened, but when I read all these philosophies I see I may be at a different stage or maybe not--I don't know.  I just know I am glad I read this idea to help me with this weekly thought.


Om.



Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Truth is...

Truth is I love truth is.


If you don't know what "Truth is" is let me explain, from what I understand.


On Facebook my girls get these random posts on their walls beginning with 'Truth is...' and then their friend, who they may know well or not, ends the sentence.


Example: Truth is, last yr lunch was fun.
              Truth is, your gorgeous but we should hang out more.
              Truth is, you're the biggest creeper, but I love you anyway. hahaha.


They go on and on.  It seems to be an eternal FB thing--that is so positive.  So, in this age of fear and 'cyberbullying' that we hear about, I realized this is one of those rare positive games.


I know when I was in school I rarely shared with random people what I liked about them.  This breaks that boundary and just lets the love flow.


Truth is, you're beautiful just the way you are!


Om

Monday, July 18, 2011

So...we don't have AC

its hot.
sticky hot.
i have heard it the entire day from my girls.
hot.
hot.
they're pretty sure us not having air makes me a terrible parent, in so many words.


i know i am not a terrible parent, but i am wondering why i am such a hard-ass about using window units.  


i own 3 of them.  they live in my garage.  they're cumbersome and loud and generally remind me of...of what?  i don't know, but i seem to have an aversion to them.


i do enjoy being in air, but not constantly.  i work in the coldest/hottest building EVER and everyone else in the world has air--so really, why do i need it?


do i feel somewhere this will make us "tougher?" more natural?  i just don't know.  i didn't have air until i was 10 or 11 and i do recall hating..no detesting, sleeping in general hotness.  But now--I appreciate the heat and can get so achey from cold air.  i am only 39-minus-a-few-days, so really--how achey can i be from it?


anyhow..the plus in not having AC: the evening, stirring winds that act like they're gonna bring in a storm, when in reality--they just give a sense of momentary peace. my youngest and i shared that moment tonight.  even caught sight of a decent size toad jump out of our flower bed and hop down the sidewalk.


of course--falling asleep for everyone has been difficult...leaving me to sleep downstairs with my youngest for alittle reprieve from the upstairs heat.


so--night night. 
bon soir.
om.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Rasta

stepping street middle,
my eyes floated to the giant plane
slow-motion-crashing
                     through the car wash
savage loads of people 
                     gathering
to the corner where I heard 'god' internalized


i turned around to
see sitting masses
one single man stood 


dark hair
dark skin
army uniform with Japan on one shoulder
US on the other


I said we need to help the people 
be happy
be safe
be 
e
 we began singing: 
I am a rastafarian



over
over
over
over
with dancing fervour 
bob's words leading 
people pouring smiles down the street


and that's when i saw her behind me


dark hair
dark skin
shocked into the zombie walk
i wouldn't let her go
she needed to follow him
guided liaison


until we stopped in front of my house
to find a shack-bar
serving up shots of 
"The United States of America"
sending the bikers into laughter.

Saturday, July 09, 2011

i fell asleep
obsessing about the
seering black-skinned spiderbite
behind my left knee






imagining 
morning mangled skin 
toxic fever




but instead
woke up at 530 
recalling 
the dream doctor listening
to my ovaries

right
left
with a stethascope
hearing heartbeats

Saturday, July 02, 2011

And its the weekend...

What a week.
Well, last week.  I had booked myself way too much...I try to think of opportunities as abundance, but there is a breaking point.  Monday evening, I had reached mine.  I didn't crack, but I knew I needed the weekend.  And finally--it's here.


I've had a peaceful day.  I slept in--which is about 730 to me and had an amazing yoga practice.  Who needs to go to "hot" yoga, when the humidity is super high and I live without AC?  I'm not a fan of actual "hot" yoga anyhow...but, I put my yoga playlist on shuffle and delved deep into my mind, deep into body.  I started yesterday thinking of my mat and space very deliberately, as if I should be exploring all the space around my body in each position, on my mat--being silent to what that may mean.  


Anyhow, then I quick took a shower...my neighbor and I walked downtown to the farmers market.  It was kinda thin looking.  Maybe it was the lack of sun and being close to closing, but it wasn't thriving like I've seen.  Then we walked to the coffeeshop to meet Tammie, then a jaunt over to a thrift store.  I got the cutest black dress and flowing "porchy" kinda top.  Came home, cleaned and off to the pool for two hours of sunshine and reading.  Yay!!  Felt so wonderful.  I always miss having my girls with me when I go to the pool alone, but I'm ok with going alone too.  I realized today, the pool may have been the first place I went alone as a kid, taking the chance I'd find someone to play with.  I usually did.  Nowadays, I try to hide--but still love being in the sun, listening to the music and enjoy people watching.


Tonight BD and I are suppose to go to a cookout.  I'm looking forward to being with him, but I don't know how the cookout will be.  The people are friendly, but we're not at the same place, so it's not what I love--but I appreciate their willingness to have fun and be honest.  


Ahh..BD just texted me he's grabbing some DQ for us.
Off I go.
xoxoOM
"Happiness is only real when shared".....from Into the Wild
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