poetry. thoughts and more than make-believe.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Chaplins Time Traveler



I stumbled upon this yesterday, as I'm sure alot of other people did...

I showed it to my girls this morning.
First--the concept of not having cell phones was almost inconceivable.
They also didn't know who Charlie Chaplin was.
Wow--I need to work on my parenting.
But then onto time travel.

I've watched this over and over again.
I generally don't watch things like this because I see it as a PR stunt...kinda
like the balloon boy.  I still haven't watched that and honestly don't know what
the story is behind it.
I try to keep it real.

So, why is this so fascinating?
Do I want it to be real?

Of course.
I believe in so many metaphysical aspects of life--but I've never thought
much about time travel--outside of the Back to the Future movies.

Who wouldn't want to go
Back to the Future?
Who woulnd't want to go
Back
or
to the
Future?

I have no desire to alter the course my life because I believe things
happen for a purpose...and we all have lessons to learn.
If I changed something from the past that just doubles my lesson plans, doesn't it?
And as for the future--I'd love to see what clothes we wear.
How we live.
How we treat each other.

As I read the comments to this mans finding, I was surprised at the
the absolute dismissal of the idea of time travel.
I realize it's a scientific website and scientists want cold hard facts...but please people
just relax and consider the possibility.

Whether it ends up being a PR stunt or actual footage--I at least know my girls and I
had an interesting morning conversation.
Time travel.
Cell phones.
Charlie Chaplin.

All over a cup of coffee.

Friday, October 22, 2010

I am 1 in 4





"I think I love you," he told me after one week of dating.
Even at 16 I understood that was impossible.
I laughed, "No you don't."
"Yes I do."
"No, you can't.." and then explained all the reasons he loved me, which again
I found funny.
The next week he wanted me to wear his highschool varsity jacket. 
I didn't take it.
It was too quick.
First love, then his varsity coat.
Even my oldest friend found it moving too quickly.
She saw the first sign of the next 5 years of my life.

Just like Tarastar's post, this boy was very charming.  I always felt part of the problem was the huge crush I had on him the year before.  He was two years older and our paths crossed, but didn't have a reason to meet.  He dated a girl, I was alittle afraid of, and they were constantly on-again-off-again.  On our first date he showed me scratches up and down his arm, claiming she abused him. Now I am sure she was fighting back, but during that time, I simply didn't know what to think.

Also like Tarastar, my family was (and still is) very laid back.  My parents had the occasional argument, along with some passive-aggressive issues...but that was about it.  They were generally content with suburban life--dancing in the kitchen... kissing till they embarrassed my brother and I--just loving each other. 

We began dating in November, but I didn't think it would last.
Maybe that's why I didn't take any of the signs too serious.
On our first date, when I mentioned I bought a peace-sign poster that day (oh yes the 80's) he told me he "didn't like any of that hippy shit."  I knew that was the end of that.
Oh how many times I thought that.

We continued to date.
My next memorable obvious sign was him picking me up from school one day.
I was dressed in all black.
I don't recall what he said I looked like but I do remember him
making me change my shirt before he'd take me to his house.
He didn't want his parents to think he was dating whatever
I looked like.

Ok. I realize his making me, was allowing it--and going through with it, but
one thing that many people don't realize (or atleast I think) that
is when things moments happened--they were very surreal.
It was like I was suddenly outside of myself.
Separate.
And I fought most of his issues.
Which didn't help.

Time continued.
The first time he hit me was August 13.
I had gone dancing the night before and when I told him I danced
with someone that was all it took for a good hard slap, maybe.
I don't recall.
Some fights were much worse than others.
Some slapping.
Some punching.
Pizza smashed in my face.
Some choking.
Some pinning down.
All of the some though equals too much.

My family never knew.
My friends knew something wasn't right.
I had friends who tried to shun me for awhile to "help" me...
that just left me with more of him.

Eventually I knew the only way to break up once and for all,
because he was constantly breaking up with me for getting coffee with
her or spending money here...was to go away.
So--I went away to college and broke up completely for a few months.
But then came I back.
I missed him.
So in my now 18 year old brain--meant I must be with him.
Lesson learned early on that is not true.

18 and suddenly--engaged.  I should've been estactic but my college friends knew
I was being rash and immature.
I had told them the truth.
And then I knew after months of deciding whether I was coming home to college,
I gave it up and gave in.
Home.
And as soon as we were out of town he announced,
"Now I'm breaking up with you...so you can know how it feels."
WHAT??
Instant tears.
This was not the love I signed up for.
He took it back, but within 3 months he was hitting me again.

The difference this time though was I wasn't going to take it.
I knew I didn't have to.
For 6 months we were in constant flux again...until the last year of our dating.
We suddenly had some sort of pattern worked out.
He had stopped hitting me.
I was confident.
We were both busy with school and working Domino's together.
But by this time it didn't matter--our relationship was damaged beyond repair.

And then I knew it was time to really break it off--
we were sitting at my parents kitchen table one night when he asked what
was wrong.
I told him, "I don't think I love you anymore."
Just like that.
I told him to leave.
I needed to think about things.
And really had the next week not transpired the way it did, who knows
how much more I would've put up with.
But that week did happen.

He started calling at 530 am...claiming I wasn't being myself. I was bi-polar.
Crazy--simply because I was done with the behavior I shouldn't have allowed
from our first few weeks together.
Again, like Tarastar--the police were involved.  Days before the police incident,
he had tried to semi-kidnap me..claiming he was taking me to Utah, the one
place I told him I wanted to travel to.  In reality he ended up taking me back
to his parents house.
We fought over the car.
Car keys.
Doors.
Words.
It's all hazy.
I was bruised for days.

And then the day the police were involved, I foolishly had gotten into his
truck to reclaim some of my belongings.  As soon I got in he power locked the doors.
Being near a neighborhood park, I layed on the horn, yelling to call the police.
People did.
I ended up back at his house.
I didn't tell anyone there what happened.
I was so embarrassed.

My brother, best friend and another friend (I think) showed up to get me.
As we left, the police pulled up.
Then another.
Then 2 sheriffs.
Seemed I caused a stir.
Needless to say when I didn't press charges, because "I just want it be over" they
were not happy with that.
They threatened to charge me.
They didn't.

I went home.
I knew it was over.
For real this time.
No more bruises.
Mind games.
Nothing.

I will follow up to say he stalked me for a short time, but ended up marrying someone
else months later.  I looked up his public record not too long again--he had a
domestic violence charged dropped.
My heart ached for his wife and children.
I suddenly thought had I pressed charges, maybe she would have.
Maybe she wouldn't have had his babies.
But he was charming.
He had money.
He created this lie I believed for a short time.
I hope she stops believing it too.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Random

Originally I had another blog planned, but too many random thoughts are creeping in and I suppose the best way to blend is to get it all out...

Last week was my 20 year highschool reunion...and what I envisioned as being kinda ho-hum, ended up being pretty amazing.  I couldn't get as crazy as I wanted, because yoga teacher training is keeping me semi-straight and narrow.. Really all I wanted was to visit with people I didn't remember and I had a few happy surprises..so yay:)  Of course in the end, probably like all past visits, it caused me to do a lot of thinking---but that's copacetic. 

Then, Sunday at yoga we did a chakra cleansing.  I am not going to go deep into this because that will be another blog--but what I thought was going to be a comforting chant became the most powerful experience I've connected with in years.  I was on a chakra-high for days and recentered myself..the self I am..not this working, single, dating, be-it-all, to everyone..just simple me.  Joy.  And really if you ever get the chance to be a part of a chakra cleansing..enjoy.

Skip ahead to the middle of the week--this weekend in town is something called  Harvestfest...kinda like a Halloween party for adults.  The town blocks off part of a street by a local restaurant, a band plays..people are drinking and dressed up in their Halloween costumes.  Last year I went as a saultry Pippi-Longstocking (even more funny since I'm a librarian)  but this year I could not commit to going.  I've had people ask, text and facebook me about it...yet I couldn't decide.  I finally did. 
I guess I am.
But no dressing up this year.
Simple going.
Simple drink.
At least thats the plan,
for now.

There's much more..I just don't have it in me to think too hard at the moment.
I'm watching moments in the library basement.
Remembering the little girl who is all grown up
walking in
everyday to
Facebook
in her barefeet
now her fall-sock-feet
with the boyfriend suddenly wheelchaired
tattoed eyebrows
who are just trying to figure it out..

Yep.
Random.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Baby boy

Yesterday was a baby day.
A baby day, not like I have one--because my three babygirls are tween/teen growing babies...but a day I got to HOLD babies.

Two boy babies, but it actually started with a semi-funny baby concept.

I was walking out of my area when a pregnant mom of two little girls walked up to me.  We did the typical how-are-yous, when I asked how she was feeling and how beautiful she looked.  She told me she felt how she thought she should feel, which I think may have meant INVADED because at a certain point, I know I felt that way.  Anyhow she then said, 
"So did I tell you I'm having another girl..."
And we laughed like we belonged some great girl-birthing club...but then she told me a friend just told her :) that they read some women may have enzymes in their uterus that kill off the male sperm...AND boy did we laugh.  Sorry men. No offense.  But it was a funny moment, that continued with me hold two boy babies afterwards...I'm sure there's a cosmic sign there if I meditate long enough on it.

Minutes after another mom walks up to me and starts chatting.  Her oldest boy in school, middle girl on computer, babyboy in her arms lunging to me...Well--whats a girl to do, but give some baby loving. :))

Because I do love babies.
They come natural, but thats beside the point.

We stood there and talked.  She is an absolutely stunning woman who is trying to figure out if she's done having babies.  She's not in my opinion, but her husband is...and all along this talking, I'm loving this baby moment I'm getting--because my baby will be 11 soon.

And then I go home for my lunch to discover my friends sister is visiting with her two boys--one 3, the other 6 mo.  Aaahhhh...more loving.

And I felt this overwhelming gratitude to have these few moments with these babysouls--but also a gratitude to not have the longing of being pregnant.  I love/d being pregnant, I love the nursing...but it took me years to get over the true clock-ticking-whacha-gonna-do-with-the-rest-of-your-life-if-your-not-prego/littlebabyfied...that now, I'm grateful for where I am.

I miss those days of chaos and youth, but feel great at 38 I'm young enough to enjoy where I am too...able to love on babies and know it's all good:)

Sunday, October 03, 2010

Raw

dreamwaker
fighting mad upon
Good Morning Sunshine
throw those covers off because coach didn't play
first half
25 years later

raw
dreamlover
soft sips
my cheeks
skin touch love undercovers

raw
lifeliver
lovedriver
dreamgiver
batontwirling

you sat on the morning porch smoking the first
of the day
trying to refocus

while I
sat on your
swing-e-e-e-e-e
bench
watching the train roll on
     a blue cooler in the middle of the empty car
     made me smile
     wondering if it was on purpose
          traveling cooler
          or completely accidental from the working man
drinking my first
camp-coffee of the day

till we went back
artificial air
outside humidity
where
the day began
again
peacefully rising
raw

Friday, October 01, 2010

Be..breathing

I walked back from the bus stop
realizing
this morning
sunshine
crisp
Oct 1
has been the first day in weeks that I have a morning
to sit
to be

for a moment

before laundry
tidying

just be
breathing
"Happiness is only real when shared".....from Into the Wild
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