poetry. thoughts and more than make-believe.

Thursday, December 05, 2013

#nofear

Today someone I work with asked me how I was...I try to be honest when answering that question.  It has to be the biggest lie told, but for me - at some point - I made it about checking in with myself.  I spend most of my day giving, giving, giving and sometimes I forget where I might be in the moment. So I pause, check in and then answer the best I can.

So, she asked how I was and I told her, "pretty great."
And I then I went on to explain.
Normally pretty great would be a fine way to leave the conversation, but working life has been less than pleasant this past year so I kept talking.

I told her how when I am home, I feel great.
(I wanted to tell her my vibrational frequency rocks out, but didn't want to scare her off too much...) But when I come to work, it's like BOOM...falling to the bottom of an energy pit and how I am looking for new work and I am trying to stay positive, because maybe when I focus on the negative at work it keeps me attached to that frequency (maybe I didn't say frequency) and I need to let that go so I can move on.

I think she got it.
I wouldn't say that to everyone.
She and I have a good karmic friendship in that way...

And I felt really proud of myself that I could express what I needed to say so succinctly. I had a brief moment of clarity.  #nofear #love

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

I am not Catholic, but...

Yesterday, as I was wasting time online, I caught the headline about the Michigan woman who is suing Catholic Bishops over the way her miscarriage was handled or in her case, wasn't handled, at her local hospital.  This morning I ran into the headline again.  I decided to read further, discovering this NY times article. 

This of course, led me to think and realize what I already knew...

12 years ago I was pregnant with baby #4.  I was 30 years old.  I had 3 natural births, so I wasn't too worried about any complications.

At 20 weeks I went in for the typical ultrasound, which was kind of a big deal at the time, because my then-husband & I decided to find out the sex of the baby...something we hadn't done with the others.
But as the ultrasound technician was working, she told me she needed to find our midwife. We didn't think much of it honestly...our midwife would have loved to share this experience with us.  Sadly, she had to share that we lost our baby.
Our last...our very last baby.  I remember saying, "but I'm not going to have anymore babies..." like that would make a difference. 

We went through the process of listening to the non-heartbeat.  I had to really know this baby had died in utero.

Our midwife sent us home with clear instructions on what we should do and what might happen.  She wanted me to know that sometimes when the brain catches up with the body, the body physically releases...the miscarriage happens naturally.

This did not happen.

We went back to the hospital the next morning.
I was admitted.
I was initially given the choice of having a D & E (not C - this would be an Extraction...a medically induced abortion) or to take medication that would cause my body to go into labor. 

After much deliberation, we had decided on a D & E.  Our midwife respected this decision.  Quickly after this mental relief, my decision though was nixed by the Doctor.  He told Midwife I was too far along to have a D & E.  I knew that couldn't be true, because women were still able to have legal abortions at 20 weeks in Ohio.  But who were my husband and I to disagree with a Doctor?  We were grieving parents who being guided during this time of complete sadness.

I would take the medication, which I was told was for ulcers.  A side effect of this was spontaneous abortion.  Initially, they inserted the medication vaginally.
The body absorbs the medicine quickest that way.
After how many times and a tender vagina, they decided to give me the medicine orally.

I would take the medicine when given, but my body did not want to give up this sweet baby.  Or maybe my mind did not...I held on for almost 24 hours.  I still remember, but even more felt the moment I heard an Inner Voice say, "Let go," allowing my body to deliver this baby.

Our midwife stayed with us inbetween her patients.  In my mind, she was there with us continually.  She spoke quietly with me, as my body contracted this baby...using oils to help the process.

I delivered baby #4...a boy we named Elliot.

And in the end, I am glad I delivered him because I got to hold my baby and tell him goodbye...how much we loved him already.  But, I never felt right that the Doctor had decided the process instead of me...especially when we were given that choice. 

And so - what do you do when you have no choice?  What do you do when it's not a natural, easy process? 

You sue.
And though I usually think people are sueing-happy, in this case - I think she has every right.  This hasn't just happened to her.  More stories I am sure will start to flood the headlines and what ever may come of it...the truth will be heard.

 


Tuesday, December 03, 2013

For the good...

I won't apologize for not writing...I will simply write.
xoxo

So...anyhow,

Today I found myself sitting in yet another meeting.
I won't go into any great detail, but I'll share what is bothering me.


Because of this tiny tsunami
day
to (2)
day
responsibilities
shift under the rug,
on top of the staircase
and inside whispery voices.

One
but
two (2)
sat
explaining fairness,
how there will not be flexibility and in that,
there will be no 8 o'clock
ship docking.

9 o'clock is when the bell will ring.

No playground laughter,
straight to the dentist chair.

And I said, with a crack in my voice, "I can't afford not to teach yoga."
"I wish I could, but I can't."
Mostly I feel, I wish I could afford not to - but I can't - and I don't want to give it up.
I don't want to have to make a choice.
I don't want to hear "what's best for the library."

I want you to understand "what's best for my family."
And I suddenly felt angry.

Wishing I could fall into easy madness,
but my brain doesn't like easy -
instead
understanding
too
(2)
many things

Friday, June 07, 2013

Dreaming...

This morning I dreamt that a Shiva-type energy told me she wanted to show me the "something" and meditation room.   She took me through the woods and I found myself into a large purple room.  Sam was in there and it was like it was his idea to have this room, but he wasn't quite sure about it.  And when I was looking around I could see that outside of the room there were two other beds, like they were going to be his and Andrew's.  But as I was in this room, I could feel the warm breeze flowing through and I kept saying how beautiful it was.  There were woods and a pond out back and I kept feeling the wind.  Then I looked up and I was like, "why wouldn't you want to stay in here?  It is what I've always wanted - a clear ceiling...like a tent."  It was wonderful...and then I woke up.

I hope Sam is doing ok this morning...I wonder if the dream is about him or if it is about me finding a new spiritual room?  A place to truly be....

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

no privacy

Privacy
hot topic
o
t   word
lack there of
on
in       line
which way do you go
o
r
kitchen
           private
space
lack there of
is
no longer
on
in      house
lock your cabinets
lock your drawers
when glass offices
move paper weights
privacy
lack there of

Sunday, April 14, 2013

I've been a bad blogger for months now, but I've been a decent writer.  I find myself writing just for me more often than I have in years.  I do notice that I write more freely when I know it's  not 'out there.'  My creativity feels sparked, crackled and spotted.  My creativity shines after yoga. 

I am still living the same life, but not in the same shoes. 

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Guns at school

When trending isn't cool...



4th day of guns, bombs and various school dying threats.

Today is going on the 5th day warring mentality.
Waiting.
Will there be another note in a boys bathroom?
Does it matter what steps they put into place?
Be smart. Be done.
Does the $500 cash reward help? $1000?
Faith can be bought.

I worry about the kids who are creating chaos.
Worry about their adulthood.
I worry about their parents.
No one thinks it's their kids making this mess.
There will be a witchhunt.
Burn them at the stakes, will be murmured across the wires.
And I worry all this national hate, worry, stress will
be taken out on a couple of teenagers who need
real therapy.
Real peace.
Real love.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Valentines Day Shouldn't be About Guns

Today is not their first day of kindergarten, but Valentines Day for my middle school and high schoolers.  Today is more difficult than their first day of school though.  Today I have to let them go to school because they have made the decision to go. And I really prefer they were home.

Everyday my youngest calls me after school.
Everyday I ask her how her day was, what the best part was or what the worst part was--because we all know that coming home is usually the best part of any day, or should be.
Anyhow, yesterday she told me that her teachers were "acting weird" and they were really secretive.  One teacher told her that if she was allowed, they would talk about it tomorrow.

That did make me wonder what was up.

Parents got a One Call Now in the afternoon, explaining that a cryptic note had been found in the high school boys bathroom that said, "School Columbine Number 2 - 2/14/13 - Good Luck."  The superintendent explained school would be "as usual" with a heightened sense of security with the police there. 

Guess we didn't have to wait till tomorrow to find out the secret.

I told each of them they could stay home.
They each told me why they couldn't.
So, I told them that they had the choice.
Still no.

My 7th grader, "I don't want to miss the work."  We then talked about Columbine.  She knew there had been a song written about it.

My 9th grader told me, "I don't like this choice."  And then explained why she was going to school:  scheduling.

My 11th grader, also scheduling. 

And then both of my high schoolers, at different times, had the same thought...the scheduling is taking place in a common room where most of the kids of each grade will be.  They understood that could be a place where most harm could be done, yet we don't live in fear, so they aren't acting in fear.

Their choice was to go. 

And I cried.
I cried because I am not sending my children to war.  I am sending them to school. 
I cried because this will become their normal.  Whether in school or the workplace, we accept gun violence is a possibility in what should be safe environments.
I cried because we should value our children, family and friends like we this everyday, not just a day we realize may be the last time we hug them goodbye.
I cried because I wished they were babies...unknowingly a simpler time.
I cried because my children will have police at the school all day. 
I cried because there is no right or wrong in this solution.
I cried because they had the choice to stay home and didn't.
I cried because they feel safe.
I cried because the note could have been a prank.
I cried for the person who wrote the note who didn't know what would become of the note.
I cried for the person who knew what would become of the note.
I cried for the parents of the person who wrote the note.
I cried for parents.
I cried for children.
I cried.

And then I hugged them goodbye.
Wished them Happy Valentines Day.
And can't wait to hear all about each of their days.
Police, talk about guns and everything in between.

"Happiness is only real when shared".....from Into the Wild
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