poetry. thoughts and more than make-believe.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Spring Break

Always amazed what time off does for the mind and the body, I have a hard time believing I've spent the last few days off work and home with my girls during their springbreak.  I am so grateful that I actually
thought ahead to ask off and see that I have to allow myself this break more often.

I feel rested. Blessed that we had a wonderful week, weather and joyfulness in our time together.  I miss all of it.  I'm in a better place than I was a few years ago, but ultimately, I will always love being home with them.  It can be exhausting, but what isn't?  And it goes so quick...I can hardly believe my oldest will be 16 in a month. Wow. And now it's almost like I want to be home more, because I know they're so close to college and just simply becoming beautiful adults. 

Or maybe it's appreciation.  I find appreciation in so much more...I appreciate the fact I was able to be home with them for so many years and we had this very happy life.  I miss it, but I try to be content in this new place. 

It's being.  We "be-ed" this week very well.  We know who we are--individually and as a family.  So everything we did, it was nice...whether it was shopping, cooking, cleaning, yard work, playing...we just were. Are.
Love.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Grief

I stayed home today.  I woke up and felt dread, overwhelming blahness...and knew that
if I walked into the building, I'd spend the day trying not to cry.
I've never taken a true mental health day.
Somehow I've gotten physically sick to compensate for my emotional state.
I'm sure I'm not the only one.

The strange thing about staying home is that I'm dredging up old feelings that I don't
need to attend to.  Though....I've realized through thinking about these old issues, that
those where the times I should have stayed home. Why have I not taken time to grieve
in my life?

My reaction is to keep on going...and I don't think that's always a bad thing.
I can't stay home for every little thing, but why can't I have stayed home when truly,
there were real reasons to just 'be.'  To sit. To write. To listen. To be.

So, today--I honor my grief, without attaching to it--without it dragging me down--but
to feel it, live it, and let it go.

Love. Om.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Into their loss

This morning in class
emotion ran into rivers
tearing down
twisted stones
bellowing
shouting hearts
and
mother
daughter
held hands
lying twisted to the left
breathing into their loss

Sunday, March 11, 2012

TGIS

Why isn't there a TGIS?  If I could create it, this would be the week.
I found myself caught up in the emotional roller coaster of politics, which I try my hardest
to stay out of.  I am not overly political, but I do like to know the general blow-around that's
blowing around in the political arena.  And when women's health is the hot topic,
I guess I step up my radar to know what's being presented.

So, when I discovered a link on one of my friends Facebook page in the general
support of Rush and the slut comment, I was positively appalled.
First, he's married with children. Second, niavely I think he's not like that.  I could not and can not understand
why or how he didn't see what the big deal was/is.  I texted one of my BFF's to check-in
with my feelings on this.  I went ahead and simply put a :
:(
unhappy face on his wall.

He dialogued back how he wasn't supporting Rush or Fox, but basically didn't get it.
My friend put a  stand-up comment back and after a day of obsessing,
I finally wrote back.  In the end I stated that if he wasn't supporting this link,
then let us know. 

This upset me most of the week.
He's a best friend.  I was shocked, but I continue to see how our lifestyles have
created these very different teenage-friends-now-adults.  I know we'll always be
friends and we are completely allowed to disagree, but this seemed different somehow.

It's ironic, because most of the time I am very aware of the differences between
my BF and I, but when it comes to womens health--he's very pro-woman.  If he were not,
I couldn't be with him. Plain and simple.

Maybe that was the problem...it was the reality with my friend, that he and I --though
not even possible to be together--couldn't be 'be.' Hm.

So, now it's Sunday--and thank goodness I can go to bed early.
I can contemplate on my new week.  My new yoga schedule.
5 classes a week now, plus still my regular library hours.  It could cause a girl
to crack.  I haven't.  I hand it over to the universe to know when to step in and
give me the guidance to honor what I feel and know I can handle. 

The end.
xo
"Happiness is only real when shared".....from Into the Wild
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