poetry. thoughts and more than make-believe.

Friday, October 22, 2010

I am 1 in 4

"I think I love you," he told me after one week of dating.
Even at 16 I understood that was impossible.
I laughed, "No you don't."
"Yes I do."
"No, you can't.." and then explained all the reasons he loved me, which again
I found funny.
The next week he wanted me to wear his highschool varsity jacket. 
I didn't take it.
It was too quick.
First love, then his varsity coat.
Even my oldest friend found it moving too quickly.
She saw the first sign of the next 5 years of my life.

Just like Tarastar's post, this boy was very charming.  I always felt part of the problem was the huge crush I had on him the year before.  He was two years older and our paths crossed, but didn't have a reason to meet.  He dated a girl, I was alittle afraid of, and they were constantly on-again-off-again.  On our first date he showed me scratches up and down his arm, claiming she abused him. Now I am sure she was fighting back, but during that time, I simply didn't know what to think.

Also like Tarastar, my family was (and still is) very laid back.  My parents had the occasional argument, along with some passive-aggressive issues...but that was about it.  They were generally content with suburban life--dancing in the kitchen... kissing till they embarrassed my brother and I--just loving each other. 

We began dating in November, but I didn't think it would last.
Maybe that's why I didn't take any of the signs too serious.
On our first date, when I mentioned I bought a peace-sign poster that day (oh yes the 80's) he told me he "didn't like any of that hippy shit."  I knew that was the end of that.
Oh how many times I thought that.

We continued to date.
My next memorable obvious sign was him picking me up from school one day.
I was dressed in all black.
I don't recall what he said I looked like but I do remember him
making me change my shirt before he'd take me to his house.
He didn't want his parents to think he was dating whatever
I looked like.

Ok. I realize his making me, was allowing it--and going through with it, but
one thing that many people don't realize (or atleast I think) that
is when things moments happened--they were very surreal.
It was like I was suddenly outside of myself.
And I fought most of his issues.
Which didn't help.

Time continued.
The first time he hit me was August 13.
I had gone dancing the night before and when I told him I danced
with someone that was all it took for a good hard slap, maybe.
I don't recall.
Some fights were much worse than others.
Some slapping.
Some punching.
Pizza smashed in my face.
Some choking.
Some pinning down.
All of the some though equals too much.

My family never knew.
My friends knew something wasn't right.
I had friends who tried to shun me for awhile to "help" me...
that just left me with more of him.

Eventually I knew the only way to break up once and for all,
because he was constantly breaking up with me for getting coffee with
her or spending money here...was to go away.
So--I went away to college and broke up completely for a few months.
But then came I back.
I missed him.
So in my now 18 year old brain--meant I must be with him.
Lesson learned early on that is not true.

18 and suddenly--engaged.  I should've been estactic but my college friends knew
I was being rash and immature.
I had told them the truth.
And then I knew after months of deciding whether I was coming home to college,
I gave it up and gave in.
And as soon as we were out of town he announced,
"Now I'm breaking up with you...so you can know how it feels."
Instant tears.
This was not the love I signed up for.
He took it back, but within 3 months he was hitting me again.

The difference this time though was I wasn't going to take it.
I knew I didn't have to.
For 6 months we were in constant flux again...until the last year of our dating.
We suddenly had some sort of pattern worked out.
He had stopped hitting me.
I was confident.
We were both busy with school and working Domino's together.
But by this time it didn't matter--our relationship was damaged beyond repair.

And then I knew it was time to really break it off--
we were sitting at my parents kitchen table one night when he asked what
was wrong.
I told him, "I don't think I love you anymore."
Just like that.
I told him to leave.
I needed to think about things.
And really had the next week not transpired the way it did, who knows
how much more I would've put up with.
But that week did happen.

He started calling at 530 am...claiming I wasn't being myself. I was bi-polar.
Crazy--simply because I was done with the behavior I shouldn't have allowed
from our first few weeks together.
Again, like Tarastar--the police were involved.  Days before the police incident,
he had tried to semi-kidnap me..claiming he was taking me to Utah, the one
place I told him I wanted to travel to.  In reality he ended up taking me back
to his parents house.
We fought over the car.
Car keys.
It's all hazy.
I was bruised for days.

And then the day the police were involved, I foolishly had gotten into his
truck to reclaim some of my belongings.  As soon I got in he power locked the doors.
Being near a neighborhood park, I layed on the horn, yelling to call the police.
People did.
I ended up back at his house.
I didn't tell anyone there what happened.
I was so embarrassed.

My brother, best friend and another friend (I think) showed up to get me.
As we left, the police pulled up.
Then another.
Then 2 sheriffs.
Seemed I caused a stir.
Needless to say when I didn't press charges, because "I just want it be over" they
were not happy with that.
They threatened to charge me.
They didn't.

I went home.
I knew it was over.
For real this time.
No more bruises.
Mind games.

I will follow up to say he stalked me for a short time, but ended up marrying someone
else months later.  I looked up his public record not too long again--he had a
domestic violence charged dropped.
My heart ached for his wife and children.
I suddenly thought had I pressed charges, maybe she would have.
Maybe she wouldn't have had his babies.
But he was charming.
He had money.
He created this lie I believed for a short time.
I hope she stops believing it too.


Me, myself and I said...

I have never been the victim of domestic violence. I am so sorry that you were. I am glad you got away from him. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing that so candidly.

Anonymous said...

what a brave thing to share and a horrible thing to go through. I have never had a situation like this, but my sister did. The father of my niece (who by the way is the light of my life) abused my sister horribly. Bruises, split lips, and drunken rants. He always seemed to feel regret when sober and because he was the father of her child she stayed...for a while. It didn't last long. Before her 1st Birthday they were done...she was done...finally! I'm happy to report that she has found an amazing man with a daughter only 3 months younger than my niece and they are living together happily and co-parenting.
Unfortunately, despite weekends in jail for repeated DUI's, assface still gets visitation and partial custody which I think is bullshit.
I'm glad you got yourself out of a bad situation...I understand feeling bad for the woman he is with now...but she needs to be strong enough to stand up for herself the way you were...that's not yours to carry.

Not Emily said...

Thank you Jess..I still feel as if I'm only scimming the top writing what I did, but I'm glad I wrote alittle.

Jewels--thank you..I'm sorry your niece's dad is who he is..I am so thankful I never had children with him and I learned the lesson I did at a young age. It's a lesson I never needed to learn, but I have an eye for these personalities now. My girls dad is an awesome dad and I feel it all works out. I'm glad your sisters boyfriend is great for her:) Thank you for sharing too!

hiphophippie.com said...

This is so, so powerful. You are incredibly brave and an inspiration. Your daughters are lucky.

The Boy said...

This was a hugely powerful post, you are so brave. Maybe it is the way I've been brought up but, even with two sisters, there is never any excuse for violence towards women or domestic violence, physical or mental. Thank you for sharing. Huge respect, and delighted that you got out whilst you could!

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

can i share this with others? thank you for writing. if you ever want to tell what happened 'that day' i'm all ears. i love you.

Not Emily said...

hiphop..thank you. i think they're kinda lucky too:)) thanks xoxo

theboy--you know, there's never any reason and i know that bc of the way i was raised. thanks for the kind words.

And Claire--of course you can share. if any of my words help someone or make someone think--then im glad:) and i know you'll always listen--thank you. xoxo

"Happiness is only real when shared".....from Into the Wild

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