19 1/2 weeks

five years ago
I was pregnant
for the last
number four
time--

at 19 1/2 weeks

little toes
fingers
I didn't get
to feel
squeeze
but imprinted
on plaster
paris
little ear prints too--

I am finally writing
about my miscarriage
or as the books call it
a "delayed miscarriage"
not missing
pushing
pulling
cleaning
the carriage
but simply
miscarriage.

The word can't mean
anything else in my brain--
it's not a word that has
a double, triple, quadruple
meaning
to
too
two--
but finality.